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> Depression, Bipolar, Clinical, Etc.
Etheldred
post Jul 31 2008, 07:28 PM
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Hello

I know that a lot of you probably know me here as the gobby and somewhat impulsive eccentric Welsh girl. Well, that's all true laugh.gif

However, I have a secret. Dragonkin wears stockings and suspenders under his jeans. bleh.gif

No, seriously. As you have probably guessed from the title, I suffer from Clinical Depression. I'm writing about it here because, well, I just am. I can think of nothing else, no other reason but sharing my experiences with you all, gaining insight into Depression as a whole, and just generally exploring The Big Black Cloud (TBBC).

I call it that because it feels like it's clouding up my clear blue sky, when it does happen upon me. I'm taking something called Citalopram for it, a pill each day. It's not entirely effective, but it does help me to cope. I don't think there's a proper cure for it. It's something I'm trying to learn to live with.

It cripples me when TBBC comes. It sucks the life out of me, almost. J.K. Rowling said she based the Dementors from the Harry Potter series on her own dealings with Depression. I know what she means. Half the time I feel like my own Soul has been taken, or at least, muddied.

But enough of this doom and gloom. I just wanted to say all of this, even if the Mods delete this topic as soon as it's posted. It's not a release, please don't think that.

If anyone else here suffers from Depression and feels like having a chat with me, please feel free to send me a PM here.

Thanks,

Angel Delight/Cautious Optimism/Etheldred/Ethy/Jen


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Nyrphame Danilai...
post Jul 31 2008, 08:00 PM
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Ethy - I have not deleted your post but I have moved it. Even though the topic of depression may not be controversial, this is just a better place for an open discussion on things of a medical nature, like this.

Take good care. I know depression can be a very difficult thing to cope with.

hug_squeeze.gif

nerfy


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Etheldred
post Jul 31 2008, 08:11 PM
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Hah!! I was going to post it there/here but decided against it, fearing that people would complain about it!! Never fear, I shall not be substituting any advice from my GP for something else. Thanks for not dismissing me as a mad attention-seeker blush.gif

This post has been edited by Etheldred: Jul 31 2008, 08:19 PM


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gaiasmaiden
post Aug 1 2008, 09:14 AM
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i too suffer from bouts of depression, or what it call the blue funks in my household
i know how you feel and how sometimes it can be just to much to handle on your own
i let people know when i am upset or depressed but don't look for help from them
my doctors keep tabs on it (all 4 of them)
i just look for understanding


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d'rbeh
post Aug 4 2008, 04:57 PM
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one of my sisters suffered from terrible depression for years.

she refused medications.

she is better now, living abroad, having the time of her life. deep and close friendship is what helped her to come out of her dark cave.

depression of any kind, especially clinical, is a very serious problem. follow your doctor's advice, and remember there is a silver lining to every cloud.

be well!

hug.gif


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Etheldred
post Aug 5 2008, 02:47 PM
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Dorothy Rowe wrote a book about Depression, and how it can be helpful to the sufferer. I bought it and read it, but it didn't really make any sense to me, at the time. This was two years ago, and I was affected quite badly. I went around naked, barely left the house, my room was like a tip, full of rotting fruit and vegetables. I used to buy food and leave it to rot. I was fascinated by it. Strange, I know. The book didn't penetrate my depressive stupor. I ran away to Central America, instead.

I'm trying to say, I think, that running away has never solved anything. Not for me, anyway. Didn't remove the rot from my head.

It sounds funny, but, my Mum said I'm good. I don't think so. I see myself as a very bad person, with no chance of redemption. I wonder why, sometimes. Most of the time, though, I just hide behind the bad label. Anyone else do that, or is it just me?

I feel like a type-casted actress.

I wonder, does anyone else ever feel like they're playing a part in a very long play?


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Hitana
post Aug 6 2008, 02:46 AM
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I have been diagnosed with light depressions a few months ago. I don't get medication but attend psychologic sessions. So it's a therapy with lots of talking. The depression causes several of my other maladies to increase at times which are bronchial asthma, skin allergies and neurodermatitis.

Feeling bad is an essential thing I suffer from. Sometimes I'm treating myself badly (no physical but psychical pain) and tell myself that I'm not worthy for anyone or anything. Some nice people told me I'm not a bad person but someone who had lots of bad luck but it's hard to overcome my own thinking.

Yes, sometimes life feels like a play. Sometimes because you play someone who you actually don't want to be anymore but you got type-casted and sometimes you even can't be anything else than this anymore. Sometimes it's a play because you feel that being nice and happy to others is not your true self as you got used to who you usually are.

I do write about my depression sometimes in my blog. Read it if you care to (The stories begin at the bottom of the page): http://hitana20.livejournal.com/tag/the+path http://hitana20.livejournal.com/tag/destination+unknown

This post has been edited by Hitana: Aug 6 2008, 03:40 AM


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Etheldred
post Aug 6 2008, 12:11 PM
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Thanks for the links. I read through them and they're really interesting. My own 'blog is here: http://apieceofchocolatecake.blogspot.com/

The content warning is only there because I use swear words sometimes, and though they're usually only mild, it can upset some people.

Also, the posts are titled with numbers, so you know in which order they were written. The latest post is the one showing on the main page, the others are archived.

Please feel free to leave a comment.

Thanks


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Hitana
post Aug 7 2008, 03:07 AM
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I'm not much in favor of posting comments in a blog, but I will do that here.

I know this kind of tiredness though I fortunately had no headaches during that. For quite a while I was feeling down, drowsy, exhausted. I barely could get up and do something. I didn't care for the housework and didn't leave the house for a couple of days.

Wouldn't I have been accepted into a three month placement programm in the UK, I'm not sure how things would be then now. It was the last rope I held on to. If I would have fallen, I might not have been able to get up again. Now I have something to look forward to, a spark of hope if you want to say so.

I hope our dear Lord sends you such a spark as well. I keep my fingers x'd for your exams.


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Etheldred
post Aug 7 2008, 07:03 AM
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Thanks blush.gif You don't know how much that means to me, at a time like this blush.gif I have just been sent a questionnaire about Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression). It'll be interesting to see if I have that unsure.gif

I should update my 'blog more often, but I don't often have the energy to do so down.gif




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Dragonkin
post Aug 10 2008, 05:26 AM
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Shhhh. You weren't supposed to tell anyone, Ethy!

About depression, I have to say that I have had a few bouts of it, where I felt as if the tether that held me to this world had snapped and I was adrift in a sea of noise, buffeted about by the multitudes. Luckily, I have always found something else to attach myself to so that I could go on. It kind of helped that I can be as stubborn as a mule at times. I know there is little I could say to you, Jen, to help you, other then just talking, like I know you would like me to. And I wish I could. All I can say to help is this: find something you are interested in, some type of hobby or job, and try to lose yourself in it. That has been what has helped me in my past. When I lost my cat, I delved inward, and then I began to write. When I finally accepted that I couldn't go into the Air Force, I delved deeper into my poetry and my artistic side. When I realized that it would be a long, hard struggle to become an accountant, I threw myself into my work (I became a workaholic at work). When I lost that job, I delved deeply into a small, unusual community (Which is why I had disappeared so long from here). Now I am with Philip, and so far I have no worries that I can't over come without his companionship. I deeply fear the day that I might lose him, for I know that if I do I'll be staring once again into the abyss.

Ramble mode: OFF

In short, you have to find something to live for, whether it be for someone else or for yourself. What ever it takes to go on living, and to weather what storms may come, you need to do it.



(At least you didn't tell anyone that the stockings were red and suspenders were pink.)


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Etheldred
post Aug 11 2008, 05:06 AM
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The stockings have frills on them. Dragonkin forgot to mention that. Actually, he was wearing a black frilly corset as he wrote that reply bleh.gif bleh.gif

Hhmm. I wonder why I have mood swings a lot of the time?

I know that you can get something, I can't remember what it's called, where your limbs are restless, even in bed at night. Nothing you do to them, no position you put them in, seems to stop the feeling of restlesness. If anyone has ever had that, then you'll know what I mean. Try imagining a restless personality. That's what mine is like, at the moment. I fail to be satisfied by my life. I'm hoping for something better, but don't deserve it, so know that it may well be given to someone else, and not me.

I'm taking my Citalopram pills, but I'm beginning to doubt whether or not they are actually working, anymore. Maybe I need a Chill pill, instead laugh.gif (No, I don't mean recreational drugs)

I can't help but be angry with myself. I don't understand, anymore. I don't understand anything. There's a storm, but, I think I'm creating it. Hah. Maybe this has turned into a sort of release. I am releasing details, anyway.

Dragonkin, friend of mine, for whom I have a lot of fondness, and a lot of nicknames smile.gif

I've been trying to lose myself, but my creative juices seem to have dried up. Nothing is working, anymore. I feel like I am losing the battle to keep myself afloat.

What you said about Pip is sweet, really sweet. I'm sure, and I really hope, that he recognises the true brilliance of the man he's in a relationship with blush.gif

I'm living for others, and not myself.

Is it really, truly selfish to die, if you can't hack being yourself anymore? Surely it's better that the pain stops?

(I'm just asking, by the way. Please don't worry about me. I'm unlikely to try anything like suicide. I did once before, and ended up in Hospital. I HATE Hospitals. I won't be doing anything silly, so won't be ending up there again.)



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Nyrphame Danilai...
post Aug 12 2008, 04:55 AM
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Ethy and others who have posting in this thread - there are all sorts of very deep feelings that are being expressed here, and I will say how much I appreciate this. However, please be careful about posting things that are of a very close personal nature here. The GoG is a friendly place, I know, but the internet is not necessarily so.

Please, take this in the respectful way it is meant and restrict your highly personal background information to PMs with those you have already personally come to trust with such things.

Stay well and stay safe.

nerfy



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Etheldred
post Aug 12 2008, 06:59 AM
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I can't write anything about anyone else's opinions, here, so I'll only write my own.

I'm grateful that people are reading this topic and reacting to it, I truly am. I'm not scared of writing what I truly feel here. I've always been too honest, and perhaps that's a bad thing, I don't know. I'll edit myself a little bit more, because I don't want to concern anyone else, in whatever way.

I don't doubt that you're trying to be as respectful as possible, Nerfy, whilst trying to equally ensure that no one gets hurt. It's better that you write this here, and show your concerns, rather than hold back and watch things, errupt. Please pardon the pun, there, but it's the only way I can think of to express that.

Thanks,

Jen


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Rex Havoc
post Aug 12 2008, 01:47 PM
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Depression is not a fun thing. It can sneak up on, you too. Having been through a major bout with it, this past spring, I can tell you that it isn't something to ignore. Others here can vouch for me when I say I was not myself, though, at the time, didn't really know what was going on... Many RL events (bad, not good) hit me within a months time and sent me reeling. I figured I was coping just fine, too! St John's Wart usually takes care of this issue for me but it was out of it's league, this time! Getting medical advice was paramount and having friends in RL who were understanding and patient with me helped a great deal, too.

Ethy, never fear, at least here, to share and lean on your friends. In most cases, they will come through and help you make through to another day! biggrin.gif


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