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> Jokes!, Funny, Annoying, Jokes!
Cuttin' Edge
post Jul 24 2010, 05:22 AM
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This is where to post funny jokes that you might want to share:

1. A ghost walks into a bar and he says
"can I have a pint of beer please",
and the barmen says
" Sorry we don't serve spirits after eight!"

2. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atch!
Atch who?
I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold!

3. Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.

One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!"

"Not now! I'm eating."

"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."

"No way."

"Please. It's urgent."

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"

"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."

4. A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

Any good jokes that you know of?
Post them here!




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Grieyls
post Jan 27 2012, 10:05 AM
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An Irishman and a Englishman and a Scottsman walk into a bar and the Barman says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"


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Tomala
post Jan 29 2012, 04:13 AM
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QUOTE (Grieyls @ Jan 27 2012, 07:05 AM) *
An Irishman and a Englishman and a Scottsman walk into a bar and the Barman says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"


and after reading this I thought... what is this, some kind of joke?

See what I did there....? clapping.gif

This post has been edited by Tomala: Jan 29 2012, 04:13 AM
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Grieyls
post Feb 3 2012, 06:17 AM
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Oh ho! Very clever tongue.gif


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Robyn
post Sep 26 2013, 12:23 AM
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Outdoors Woman

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a middle-aged woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week, in the outdoors.



"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical: I took a five-hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really BAD golfer."


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"What are we going to do today, Borg?"
"Same thing we always do, Pinkutus:
Try to assimilate the world!"
-Pinkutus & the Borg

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Robyn
post Dec 9 2013, 12:28 AM
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Xmass Humor


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.


--------------------
"What are we going to do today, Borg?"
"Same thing we always do, Pinkutus:
Try to assimilate the world!"
-Pinkutus & the Borg

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Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
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dadguy
post Dec 9 2013, 11:58 PM
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QUOTE (Robyn @ Dec 9 2013, 12:28 AM) *
Xmass Humor


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.


:-) Hey Robyn !
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