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Guild of Greeters _ The F'ni Farm _ What's In Your E-mail

Posted by: gaiasmaiden May 7 2005, 08:54 AM

What's in your e-mail

this is the place to put any funny e-mails that friends and buddies have sent to you.
what better way to share a laugh... or even a chuckle?

this one is called "enflated ego"
sent by an old school friend of mine.
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

Posted by: Darian May 8 2005, 02:51 AM

From the exhaustive archives of my twisted sister in law.

Subject: Home Remedies that Really Work!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! the blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will
forget about the tooth ache..

AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life
really are:

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct
tape roll.gif

Posted by: gaiasmaiden May 8 2005, 02:07 PM

that is a good one Darian

Posted by: BobC May 8 2005, 09:28 PM

Here's one I had received some time ago.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong
place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things
are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to
come up with next! God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him
back up here!"

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him." God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" lmao.gif lmao.gif

Posted by: gaiasmaiden May 10 2005, 12:20 AM

from my dear friend that knows when i need a laugh!!

Andy Rooney's tips for telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work----I have been doing this for a few years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

Posted by: Ra'Phil May 10 2005, 05:51 AM


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.


"Is your daddy home?" he asked

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"


"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:


Posted by: Dragonkin May 10 2005, 07:06 AM

lmao.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif

Cute kid! "Goinna get a spankin', kid!"

Posted by: Robyn May 10 2005, 10:43 PM

Subject: Up to Date Nutritional Data

Can't eat Beef ... Mad cow

Can't eat chicken ... Bird flu

Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella

Can't eat pork ... Fears that bird flu will infect piggies

Can't eat fish ... Heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat

Can't eat fruits and veggies ... Insecticides and herbicides


I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.

Bean = vegetable.

Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.

Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Remember - - -
"STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.

Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

(If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.)

"That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."

Posted by: gaiasmaiden May 11 2005, 12:26 PM

kind of funny, kind of cute... surely we can learn from the boy with the nails

Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.

(Most importantly the last sentence)

There once was a little boy who had a bad

temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails

and told him that every time he lost his

temper, he must hammer a nail into the back

of the fence. The first day the boy had

driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next

few weeks, as he learned to control his

anger, the number of nails hammered daily

gradually dwindled down. He discovered

it was easier to hold his temper than to

drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't

lose his temper at all.

He told his father

about it and the father suggested that the

boy now pull out one nail for each day that

he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally

able to tell his father that all the nails

were gone. The father took his son by the

hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You

have done well, my son, but look at the

holes in the fence. The fence will never be

the same. When you say things in anger,

they leave a scar just like this one. You

can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

It won't matter how many times you say I'm

sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal

wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They

make you smile and encourage you to succeed.

They lend an ear, they share words of praise

and they always want to open their hearts to us."

Posted by: Robyn May 22 2005, 10:07 PM

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big s**t he always was."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heek, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think.

Moderator Note

edited for language

Posted by: Shadowcats May 23 2005, 02:49 AM

All funny ones thanks for the laugh
Race sends me a few mainly pics but can't post some of them shock.gif lmao.gif laugh.gif

How computers have changed our lives

Click here to view a spoiler.

Posted by: Robyn May 23 2005, 10:36 PM

QUOTE (Shadowcats @ May 23 2005, 03:49 AM)
Race sends me a few mainly pics but can't post some of them  shock.gif  lmao.gif  laugh.gif

I've been noticing that it's the women I know that always seem to send the, umm, "racier" jokes. mobrun.gif

Posted by: DaDungeon May 24 2005, 06:08 AM

1. -- from my Think Geek email for 23 MAy 2005.

2. This came from Cousin Kate -- a notorious joke passer on-er in my family:

> "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
> "Yes. What can I do for you?"
> "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
> He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
> "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
> The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
> They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
> Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
> They sneer at Virgil and leave.
> The phone rings at Virgil's house.
> "Hey, Virgil!
> This here is Floyd.
> Did the Sheriff come?"
> "Yeah!"
> "Did they chop your firewood?"
> "Yep!"
> "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
> (Who says rednecks aren't real bright!)

It made RoboDad laugh out loud.

Posted by: Robyn May 30 2005, 09:00 PM

What an RAF base had sitting outside their front gate...
for fifteen years.

Posted by: Shadowcats May 31 2005, 09:10 AM

This was in an email today to me. clapping.gif

Posted by: budgiemom May 31 2005, 10:46 AM

smile.gif Oh, How beautiful, SC!!!!!

I read the above post about the "gate guard"....gotta tell hubby!

Posted by: gaiasmaiden May 31 2005, 12:01 PM

liked the flower

as for the gate gaurd....brings memories..
let's just say that near where i live now and close to where i played as a child,
we had an ordnance team out looking for untriggered shells from when the area was an army base.
some casings had been found in the area i use to play in when they started to build homes.

Posted by: Dragonkin May 31 2005, 12:07 PM

"If you don't stop throwing rocks, I'm going to tell mommy on you!"
"I ain't throwin' them at nothing."
"But, mom said..."
"Mom ain't here right now is she. Besides, what's the worst that could hap.. <BOOOM>."
"MOMMY! Timmy blew up another rock!"

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jun 2 2005, 09:23 AM


I just loved this one, I am going to do it right now.

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to
delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button
7. Feel better?

Works for me!
Enjoy a smile today!

Posted by: Robyn Jun 2 2005, 10:15 AM

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,
"WOO-HOO, what a ride!"

Posted by: Dragonkin Jun 2 2005, 11:28 AM

On the same thread of thought, a word from a friend on such a matter...
I want to pass away quietly like my father, not screaming like his passangers.

Posted by: Rex Havoc Jun 2 2005, 02:19 PM

Oh!! You must have known my Grandfather!! lmao.gif

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jun 8 2005, 09:15 AM

Kids are quick ..

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jun 8 2005, 01:30 PM

here is one with tips for those of you that enjoy the great outdoors

It's about that time folks so thought I'd send out this reminder!!!!

OK, mosquitos... prepare to be repelled!!!!!

Use Bounce Fabric Softener Sheets...Best thing ever used in
Louisiana..just wipe on & go...Great for Babies

Bob, a fisherman, takes one vitamin B-1 tablet a day April through October . He said it works. He was right.
Hasn't had a mosquito bite in 33 years. Try it. Every one he has talked
into trying it works on them. Vitimin B-1( Thiamine Hydrochloride 100 mg.)

If you eat bananas, the mosquitos like you, - something about the banana oil as your body processes it.
Stop eating bananas for the summer and the mosquitos will be much less interested.

This is going to floor you, but one of the best insect repellents someone
found (who is in the woods every day), is Vick's Vaporub.

Plant marigolds around the yard, the flowers give off a smell that bugs do not like, so plant some in that garden also to help ward off bugs without using insecticides.

"Tough guy" Marines who spend a great deal of time "camping out" say that the very best mosquito repellant you can use is Avon Skin-So-Soft bath oil mixed about half and half with alcohol.

One of the best natural insect repellants that I've discovered is made
from the clear real vanilla. This is the pure Vanilla that is sold in
It works great for mosquitoes and ticks, don't know about other insects.

When all else fails--get a frog

Posted by: Robyn Jun 8 2005, 03:23 PM

Warning! Not politically correct. whistling.gif

Mexican Earthquake:

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

Posted by: Dragonkin Jun 12 2005, 03:43 AM

lmao.gif roll.gif roll.gif lmao.gif

Funny. Very funny.

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jun 12 2005, 11:01 AM

A man received this letter from his Mom. She is 91 and still drives
her own car.

Dear Son,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
"honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the
sticker and put it on my bumper.

What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red
light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and
how good he is, and I didn't notice the light had changed. It is a good
thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never
have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like
crazy and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love
of God, Go, Go, Go, Jesus Christ go!

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started
honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at
all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in
the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I
heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"

I saw another guy waving in a funny way-with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. I asked my grandson in the back seat what that
meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious
experience! A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended.

That's when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved at all my
brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through before the light changed
again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love
we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, and
gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!!

Will write again soon, Love, Mom

Posted by: Robyn Jun 15 2005, 04:42 PM

Oooo! Nice kitty!
This one's for real!

"Mom, can I keep it? It carried me home."

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jun 16 2005, 01:48 PM

this little gem is brought to you due to my nice strange friend that sends me some good ones
So here you go: For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a refresher course...............

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women what does this tell you?)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer, so did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow up stairs... but not down stairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second ? William Jefferson Clinton

And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Posted by: Shadowcats Jun 20 2005, 11:28 PM

Got this today in an email off a friend how scary is this?

Lightning Striking All Nippon Airlines, Osaka, Japan

This is in normal time

This is in slow motion

This is a still photo just on initiation of the bolt..*Notice* the ground and air bolt feeder strike at the same time.

Posted by: budgiemom Jun 21 2005, 08:05 AM

shock.gif Were the people ok? Did the plane crash? Truly remarkable film, SC!!

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jun 21 2005, 08:34 AM

what did happen to the plane and passengers?!

Posted by: Shadowcats Jun 21 2005, 08:56 AM

It did not effect the passengers or plane in any way the bolt stayed on the outside of the plane and passed across the metal skin.
They all landed and lived happily ever after and the plane is still flying.

Posted by: Ayli Jun 21 2005, 11:27 AM

Wow, that is some scary pictures, Cats. But why did it say "Recycle" in Japanese? shock.gif

Posted by: L'lee Jun 21 2005, 08:35 PM

Just a guess, Ayli, but couldn't it just be notating that it is a film "loop" that recycles automatically? Let's hope so!

Posted by: Shadowcats Jun 22 2005, 03:25 AM

Shrug I don't read Japanese
I only got it in an email as per the title of this thread so I think at a guess with L'lee it's just for the loop of the gif.

My memory of the incident was that there was some minor damage to composites in the tail structure, but not much other than that.
That's the nice thing about the 747 being so much more pure metal than some of the other airplanes, it has a tendency to shed the electrical discharge better than aircraft with composite tailcones.
The NOAA used a Mirage III for that exact reason when doing their lightning strike testing. Because it was all metal, there was very little damage whenever the aircraft took a hit.

Posted by: Ayli Jun 22 2005, 02:46 PM

Here what I got in my e-mail, forwarded by my hubby shock.gif

Click here to view a spoiler.

QUOTE (L'lee @ Jun 21 2005, 09:35 PM)
Just a guess, Ayli, but couldn't it just be notating that it is a film "loop" that recycles automatically?  Let's hope so!

I have a lady at work, who understands Japanese and she said it doesn't mean a loop shock.gif

Posted by: Tarl Raven Jun 22 2005, 06:17 PM

Off-topic, but an addition to Ayli's list of emailed tools.

If someone in work uses a permanent marker in a presentation, write over it with a standard dry-wipe marker, and wipe off. Clears it without a trace.


Posted by: Shadowcats Jun 22 2005, 09:51 PM

Cure for headaches:
Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Ohhhh I will have to try this thanks Ayli.

Posted by: Lotta Lagg Jun 25 2005, 08:20 AM

Ohhhh I will have to try this thanks Ayli.

Also try putting an icecube on both your temples with you head hanging down.


Posted by: Robyn Jun 25 2005, 09:28 AM

When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
Along the same lines, I've found the best way to remove fiberglass "splinters" if you get into the stuff. You know, the ones you can't even see because they're so small... Smear the effected area with a thin layer of white glue (Like "Elmer's.") and let it dry. Then peel the glue off. It doesn't matter if you have body hair in the area either, as the glue doesn't stick to the hairs and they pull right through, so it's NOT like waxing you legs (Or other body parts.) whistling.gif

Posted by: coelho_buda Jun 26 2005, 02:39 AM

QUOTE (Robyn @ Jun 25 2005, 03:28 PM)
[...] as the glue doesn't stick to the hairs and they pull right through, so it's NOT like waxing you legs (Or other body parts.) whistling.gif

shock.gif roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif

Posted by: Dragonkin Jun 27 2005, 11:16 AM

Other body parts?

Posted by: coelho_buda Jun 27 2005, 12:10 PM

Dragon, this is where we exercise our 'don't ask, don't tell' policy: you don't ask and we don't tell. It's better that way.


Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jul 21 2005, 09:46 AM

Subject: FW: Just cuz you're blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to
the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "Do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep
them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their
seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of
a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over
to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave
you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so
now we're going to Sea World!"

Posted by: Dragonkin Aug 2 2005, 09:32 AM

Gaia sent me this one.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."

Posted by: Robyn Aug 3 2005, 04:19 PM

Salary Theorem

Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.

The less you know, the more you make. blink.gif cry.gif

Posted by: Robyn Aug 3 2005, 04:45 PM

Some Senior Humor . . .

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied,

"No peer pressure."


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"


I've sure gotten old.
I've had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees.
Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!


Three old guys are golfing. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, finally went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."


Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

Posted by: Robyn Aug 16 2005, 08:36 AM

"We have the technology. We can rebuild him!"

I don't know if this is for real or not, nor am I sure whether to roll.gif , cry.gif or clapping.gif .

Posted by: budgiemom Aug 16 2005, 12:23 PM

shock.gif I kinda know who that guy and his wife are!!! He used to make robots for that game show---Battlebots. His bot was Biohazard and he won the championship several times.

Either the cat is hitting buttons inside or he is using the remote control unit!!!

Posted by: Rex Havoc Aug 16 2005, 12:46 PM

Sort of reminds me of the captain Pike from the 1st Star Trek episode.

Posted by: Robyn Aug 18 2005, 11:50 PM

QUOTE (Rex Havoc @ Aug 16 2005, 01:46 PM)
Sort of reminds me of the captain Pike from the 1st Star Trek episode.
Reading my mind I see... rolleyes.gif

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Aug 29 2005, 09:54 AM


A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon".

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up.

Posted by: Robyn Sep 1 2005, 11:31 PM

Posted by: jipski the great Sep 5 2005, 04:43 AM

For those who like star wars... check out drunk.gif mobrun.gif

Posted by: Trev Sep 10 2005, 06:01 AM

That Store Wars was too funny! "That's no moon, that's a melon. The Death Melon!"

Posted by: Ja'de Sep 15 2005, 03:15 PM

Just got this from my boss.

Feeling better……..

Just sit back, relax, feel the tension leave your body ... picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Butterflies waft in the breeze. Leaves rustle. Nothing can bother you here. Nobody knows this secret place. You are in complete seclusion from that place called 'the world'. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now........ don't you feel better?

I think he's a little stressed lately.

Posted by: Ayli Sep 15 2005, 03:18 PM

laugh.gif Do you mean you are the one who's holding his head under the water, Ja'de? shock.gif

Posted by: Ja'de Sep 15 2005, 04:29 PM

Not at all Ayli, I couldn't ask for a better boss. He always backs us up when we need it and tries to downplay our oppsies with the PTB's while making sure we know what we did wrong so as not to repeat. I suspect, he was thinking of some of "those" people when he sent it.

Posted by: Ayli Sep 15 2005, 04:32 PM

That is nice when you like and respect your boss, which I can't say the same about mine (I have 4 of them) shock.gif

Posted by: jipski the great Sep 17 2005, 09:36 AM

QUOTE (Shadowcats @ Jun 21 2005, 05:28 AM)
Got this today in an email off a friend how scary is this?

Lightning Striking All Nippon Airlines, Osaka, Japan

This is in normal time

This is in slow motion

This is a still photo just on initiation of the bolt..*Notice* the ground and air bolt feeder strike at the same time.


does anyone know why I see a red cross?

Posted by: kurtg1265 Sep 17 2005, 09:01 PM

Probably because either the hosting site is down for whatever reason or he deleted the pics to make room for others.

Posted by: Shadowcats Sep 18 2005, 10:22 AM

Ummm yeah Deleted the pics to make room but will add them back in a sec when i find them again. smile.gif

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Sep 26 2005, 12:41 PM

Old Age
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep." "I
know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98,"
replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker
commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm
half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

Posted by: Robyn Sep 26 2005, 04:38 PM

Bird Shopping:

Two Norwegians walk into a pet shop in the big city. They head to the bird
section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four
of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven. The owner puts
the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and
get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by the lake. At
the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like
a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on
his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the
way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his
best pal, Hans shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too
dangerous for me."

BUT WAIT!!! There's MORE!

Moments later Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and
walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a
shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole. Watch dis." Knut says. He takes a
parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut
continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every
bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either."

BUT WAIT!!! There's MORE!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of
which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his
head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until his hits
a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der
was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knut parrotshooting....and now Lars in



Posted by: budgiemom Sep 26 2005, 05:07 PM

As someone who used to help her hubby with his hobby...raising budgies......
roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif

Posted by: Robyn Sep 26 2005, 08:23 PM

Subject: Raising Boys

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:

a.) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b.) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c.) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d.) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e.) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

No, I haven't tried mixing the Clorox and brake fluid... Yet... whistling.gif

Posted by: 4dak Sep 26 2005, 09:10 PM

one second....

clorox, brake fluid, safty goggles, and moms aproval. (Don't ask how i got that)


hmm it looks like something i did in chemisrty class...

Posted by: Shadowcats Sep 27 2005, 10:11 AM

e.) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

lmao.gif roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif
Cats is thinking tomorow to go buy some Clorox whistling.gif

Posted by: Rex Havoc Sep 27 2005, 12:17 PM

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman
on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though
he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the

The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as
she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk
where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Posted by: William H. Maier Sep 27 2005, 01:06 PM

As a minister of the word, who backslides quite often to the sin of road rage, I have defrocked my vehicles of all the following

'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
. shock.gif lmao.gif roll.gif lmao.gif innocent.gif whistling.gif

Posted by: L'lee Sep 27 2005, 05:32 PM

Click here to view a spoiler.

lmao.gif Our minister used this anecdote just in the last two weeks! lmao.gif

Posted by: Unitearica Sep 29 2005, 08:50 AM

My wife sent me this a while back

Click here to view a spoiler.

Not to be out-done, I immediately replied to her with the following:
Click here to view a spoiler.

Moderator Note

Edited for content. We tend to lean toward the careful side due to our "E" rating... Hope you understand...

Posted by: ellen6 Sep 29 2005, 05:39 PM

Virus Alert!!!

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from
your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar never hurts to be safe.


Virus Alert!!!

Posted by: Robyn Sep 29 2005, 10:28 PM

Considering the way things are going with the legal system now, you need a disclaimer for just about everything... Even taking a walk...

Posted by: jipski the great Oct 1 2005, 09:53 AM is an new Star Wars movie. "The Revenge Of The Brick" (it is lego Star Wars clapping.gif )

Posted by: Ja'de Oct 7 2005, 07:08 PM

With the approaching "Haunted" days coming, check

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Oct 8 2005, 11:10 AM

Your birth date describes who we are, what we are good at and what our
inborn abilities are. It also points to what we have to learn and the
challenges we are facing. To figure out your Birth Number, add all the
numbers in the Birth Date together, like in the example, until there is
only one digit.

A Birth Number does not prevent you from being anything you want to be,
it will just color your choice differently and give you a little insight.

Example March 20, 1950
3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973
1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20
2 + 0 = 2

Keep going until you end up with a single digit number. #2 is the
Birth Number to read for the birth date in the example.


# 1 - THE ORIGINATOR 1 's are originals.
Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things
their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and
arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy
skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses,
as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely
helpful for them. Lesson to learn: Others' ideas might be just as good
or better and to stay open minded.

Famous 1's: Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Carol Burnett,
Wynona Judd, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch.

#2 - THE PEACEMAKER 2's are the born diplomats.
They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others
before themselves. Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't
like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can
lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd
rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship. Being naturally shy
they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely
and seize the moment and not put things off.

Famous 2's President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg,
Thomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

# 3 - THE LIFE OF THE PARTY 3's are idealists.
They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easygoing. They
start many things, but don't always see them through. They like others
to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are very
popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more
realistic point of view.

Famous 3's: Alan Alda, Ann Landers, Bill Cosby, Melanie Griffith,
Salvador Dali, Jodi Foster.

# 4 - THE CONSERVATIVE 4's are sensible and traditional.
They like order and routine. They only act when they fully understand what
they are expected to do. They like getting their hands dirty and working
hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature.
They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. They should
learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves.

Famous 4's Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher, Arnold Schwarzenegger,
Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey.

# 5 - THE NONCONFORMIST 5's are the explorers.
Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them
in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a
rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning
possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well
advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all
the facts before jumping to conclusions.

Famous 5's Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte, Jessica Walter,
Vincent Van Gogh, Bette Midler, Helen Keller and Mark Hail.

# 6 - THE ROMANTIC 6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy.
A strong family connection is important to them. Their actions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate between
what they can change and what they cannot.

Famous 6's: Albert Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Meryl Streep,
Christopher Columbus, Goldie Hawn.

#7 - THE INTELLECTUAL 7's are the searchers.
Always probing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept
things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions.
Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves.
They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and steady wins
the race. They come across as philosophers and being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what is not in the world at large.

Famous 7's: William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson,
Joan Baez, Princess Diana.

# 8 - THE BIG SHOT 8's are the problem solvers.
They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are
decisive. They have grand plans and like to live the good life. They
take charge of people. They view people objectively. They let you know
in no uncertain terms that they are the boss. They should learn to
exude their decisions on their own needs rather than on what
others want.

Famous 8's Edgar Cayce, Barbra Streisand, George Harrison, Jane Fonda,
Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, and Nostrodamus.

#9 - THE PERFORMER 9's are natural entertainers.
They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to
help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody
is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that
people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like
chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck,
but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful,
they need to build
a loving foundation.

Famous 9's Albert Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine,
Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley.

Posted by: Shadowcats Oct 14 2005, 09:32 AM

Computer Blessing

Blessings on this fine machine,
May its data all be clean.
Let the files stay where they're put,
Away from disk drives keep all soot.
From its screen shall come no whines,
Let in no spikes on power lines.
As oaks were sacred to the Druids,
Let not the keyboard suffer fluids.
Disk full shall be no more than rarity,
The memory shall not miss its parity.
From the modem shall come wonders,
Without line noise making blunders.
May it never catch a virus,
And all its software stay desirous.
Oh let the printer never jam,
And turn my output into spam.
I ask of Eris, noble queen,
Keep Murphy far from this machine.

Posted by: budgiemom Oct 14 2005, 01:58 PM

lmao.gif Love the poem;
Love the thought,
My computer ain't what it ought.
Popups galore,
Spam and more,
Still and all, I l'st
It lets me enjoy my Myst.


Posted by: Robyn Oct 14 2005, 10:08 PM

Oooo! Looks like a nice piece to make an embroidered sampler around. With a proper tech-look font of course. wink3.gif Every computer room needs one, right along with a copy of Murphy's laws, and a panel saying,"Saint Vidicon of Cathode, pray for us." rolleyes.gif

Posted by: coelho_buda Oct 16 2005, 03:52 AM

roll.gif @ all three of you!

Robyn, so THAT's the patron saint of CPUs!

Posted by: Robyn Oct 16 2005, 08:42 AM

QUOTE (coelho_buda @ Oct 16 2005, 04:52 AM)
Robyn, so THAT's the patron saint of CPUs!
And other things technological...

St. Vidicon is a (minor) character from Christopher Stasheff's warlock series, with a recent book, "Saint Vidicon to the Rescue" devoted to him. rolleyes.gif
Father Vidicon is an engineer priest, who is normally called in to fix the technological equipment in the Vatican. He dies of electrocution while trying to maintain the broadcast equpment during an important broadcast to the world by the Pope. He is subsequently declared a saint and a martyr, the one that people call on for help when technical equipment goes wrong.

Check out this

And always remember; Murphy was an optimist! whistling.gif

Posted by: Shadowcats Oct 16 2005, 09:02 AM

Actualy Saint Isidore of Seville is the patron saint of computers, computer users, computer programmers, Internet.

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Oct 17 2005, 10:08 AM

The nagging wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, nag, nag.
It just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet -- caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement.
But when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with all the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
" They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Posted by: jipski the great Oct 23 2005, 11:46 AM

QUOTE (Shadowcats @ Oct 16 2005, 03:02 PM)
Actualy Saint Isidore of Seville is the patron saint of computers, computer users, computer programmers, Internet.

LOL!!! clapping.gif roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif

Posted by: Shadowcats Oct 28 2005, 12:53 AM

I put this here on a dare so you can all blame Race. whistling.gif

Happy Halloween. shock.gif

Click here to view a spoiler.

Posted by: kurtg1265 Oct 28 2005, 01:59 AM

LOL Cats.

who posed for the pic? bleh.gif

Posted by: Robyn Nov 12 2005, 09:05 AM

Just a little late, but... The comments.... wink3.gif

Posted by: Robyn Nov 15 2005, 10:08 PM

Baking Cookies With Your Cat

1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Get cat off of cookbook.
4. Find that special recipe.
5. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
10. Answer the phone.
11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14. Throw flour out and get more.
15. Preheat oven for cookies.
16. Looking at cat & wanting to bake cat now. Cat runs for cover into bathroom.
17. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
18. Big crash in bathroom; run to see what happened.
19. Cat has TP all over floor; stuff spilled and knocked over on top of bathroom counter.
20. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
21. Can sense cat is angry.
22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
24. Cleanup bathroom.
25. Hear a thump in kitchen ... Oh Golly ... now what?
26. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27. Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies.

Posted by: coelho_buda Nov 16 2005, 04:39 AM

lmao.gif roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif

Posted by: budgiemom Nov 16 2005, 09:36 AM

clapping.gif clapping.gif roll.gif been there, and really really done that!!

Posted by: Robyn Nov 17 2005, 11:46 PM

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.? For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.? What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do I need?


COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers.? What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?


???????? (A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

Posted by: Robyn Nov 18 2005, 12:00 AM

Hunting Elephants

* MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant and catching one of whatever is left

* EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to Step 1 as a subordinate exercise

* PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique
elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an
exercise for their graduate students

* COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A;
1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work Northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East & West
4. During each pass;
a. Catch each animal seen
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c. Stop when a match is detected

* EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the Algorithm will terminate

* ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees

* ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random
and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15% of any
previously observed elephant

* ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephant, but they believe that if elephants are paid
enough, they will hunt themselves

* STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant

* CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephant and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do

* OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet colour to the efficiency of hunting elephant strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephant

* POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch
with the people who voted them in

* LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
about who owns the droppings

* SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping

* VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staff are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephant, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will;
1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight
2. enlarge itself to prevent any such recurrence

* SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices

* QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the Jeep

* SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants, but spend their time selling elephants they
haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens

* SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice
for an elephant

* HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as desktop elephants

Posted by: budgiemom Nov 19 2005, 06:16 PM

roll.gif shock.gif roll.gif

Posted by: Robyn Nov 19 2005, 08:31 PM

And on the subject of elephants, this is what I got back after I forwarded the last piece to my Sister-in-Law...
Subject: Fwd: That's - just - wrong!!! shock.gif

Oh, oh, oh. My friend Mary Ellen found something awful--so, of course, we have to share it! Even Dr. Suess isn't safe....

(I swear she belongs to some unholy alliance of slackers dedicated to seducing us into wasting all our time viewing stuff that merely looks incredibly ingenious. I bet it actually causes birth defects or programs your cell phone to call 900 numbers or something. It ain't natural.... :-)

Posted by: BobC Dec 18 2005, 11:24 PM

This touching story of Christmas charity was just sent to me.

A Letter To God
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed
in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it
was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please
help me?


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a
warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with
her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old
lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way,
there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving slimeballs at
the Post Office.


roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif

Posted by: Dragonkin Dec 21 2005, 03:51 AM

Boy, you try to help someone... laugh.gif

That sounds kind of like a situation at work.
There is a guy named Bobby Roach that used to work where we do, on the graveyard shift. Early this year, he had a heart attack (or something of that magnitude. I can't quite remember) and has not been able to work ever since. He Is still fighting to get any money for not being able to work, neither SS or Insurance wants to own up.
Well, last week, one of the guys that used to work with him, Randy Brothers, decided to pool some money from the plant to give to him "'Cause [he knows] how it feels to be out of work and hurt for money." The pot was passed throughout the plant all last week, but very few people decided to give any money. Most of the people that work in our department said they didn't know him, so why should they (oddly enough, they are the same people that pass around a pot if someone is out a week cause they were sick). And two of the people that Bobby had helped out in the past, alot, didn't either. In the end very few gave any, but I was glad to know that we that had had made a difference. The pool totaled at around $198 (If I heard right). If we thought more about those that are not able to work any longer, due to reasons beyond there reach, then what a wonderful world this could be.

[Steps off box]

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Dec 28 2005, 01:04 PM


A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.

Posted by: Ayli Dec 28 2005, 01:42 PM

Gaia missed something on this forum shock.gif hug.gif

Posted by: Dragonkin Dec 29 2005, 06:38 AM

Sorry, her mind wonder....... What were we talking about?

Posted by: Rex Havoc Jan 4 2006, 09:21 AM

Giving nice gifts and being killed for it!! shock.gif

Posted by: Robyn Jan 12 2006, 10:51 PM

Thanks to a retired Air Force officer for sending this
"paraphrase" of a memorable public safety announcement from
Alaska Air flight attendants...

"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend,
and the flight attendant reading the flight safety
information had the whole plane looking at each other like
'what the heck?' (Getting Seattle people to look at each
other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took
out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't
forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most
of it."

Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to
San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in
the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco,
you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety
features of this aircraft.

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane
is... the flight attendants. Please look at one now.

There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front,
two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If
you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store
your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.
Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest
exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In
the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll
be glad you did. (This is excellent advice, and something I
always do.) We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that
will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along
the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things
will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose
and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag
won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise.

If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is
acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put
on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more
children, please take a moment now to decide which one is
your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the
safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan
when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very
good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and
play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are
fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a
pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because
you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is
also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming
from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put
you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two
smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold
on, let me check what it is .... Oh here it is; the movie
tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and
it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid
of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press
the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading
light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank
you for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and
your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more
comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a
standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International
Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the
captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.
At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the
gate. So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift

Posted by: budgiemom Jan 13 2006, 12:27 PM

clapping.gif Loved it... and it reminded me of the flight attendant speech I got on a flight from Texas (can't remember either south texas or Dallas, etc.) to Albuquerque, NM. When the fellow got to the part..."your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device, which will be really helpful as you sink into the ankle deep sand of New Mexico." wink3.gif

Posted by: coelho_buda Jan 14 2006, 06:53 AM


Now THAT'S what I call joy at work! laugh.gif

Posted by: Ja'de Jan 18 2006, 03:04 PM

Similar to Robyns post.
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Posted by: budgiemom Jan 18 2006, 10:49 PM


confused1.gif do you get the impression that I do?.......have these stories taken on the
dare I say it....
the aura of URBAN LEGEND shock.gif

Posted by: racegirl Jan 18 2006, 11:30 PM

Probably - but still good for a laugh anyways biggrin.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jan 20 2006, 11:27 AM


By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
[She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.]
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' "
[Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.]
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"
[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]
"My Dad called the middle wife.
She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.
They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."
[Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.]
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
[This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!]
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.'
They started counting, but never even got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.
He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.
Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Posted by: Ayli Jan 20 2006, 12:08 PM

That is a wonderful interpretation. I laughed out loud laugh.gif roll.gif and had to share with my co-workers. I like the part

"My Dad called the middle wife.
She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.


He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Posted by: ellen6 Jan 20 2006, 01:15 PM

Thanks gaia, that is so precious.... and funny! laugh.gif

Posted by: 4dak Jan 22 2006, 05:21 PM

I got this from a friend u try it just passing it along

okay, get a piece of paper, and number it 1-8!
>>Don't look down at the answers or it won't work!!!!
>>1. What color are your eyes?
>>2. Do you have long, medium, or short hair?
>>3. Is your hair blonde, brown, red, or black?
>>4. Do you want an outside wedding, or one in a church?
>>5. Would you rather have a dog, cat, or bird?
>>6. Do you like red roses, or white?
>>7. What's your favorite color out of silver, blue, or yellow?
>>8. Pick a number (1-10)
>>*~*~* Now Make 2 wishes*~*~*
>>Wishes! Wishes!
>>Wishes! Wishes!
>>Wishes! Wishes!
>>Wishes! Wishes!
>>Wishes! Wishes!
>>Wishes! Wishes!
>>Wishes! Wishes!
>>Wishes! Wishes!
>>Wishes! Wishes!
>>Wishes! Wishes!
>>Wishes! Wishes!
>>Wishes! Wishes!
>>Wishes! Wishes!

Click here to view a spoiler.

Posted by: Dragonkin Jan 23 2006, 01:22 AM


I wished that 4dak could spell better and have better sentence structure. oh well. wink3.gif bleh.gif

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jan 23 2006, 07:43 AM

let me tell you all about a prank that my loving son decided to play on me which caused me to not to be able to use my computer for a day.

as many of you know i get on my computer mostly in the morning because hubby gets on it in the afternoon and evening. a couple of days ago i started my day off like i always do...
get up
make bed
turn on turtle lights
plug in twinkle lights
turn on computer
make coffee
feed dogs and cats
wash and brush teeth
get dressed
take dogs out front and let cat out
pour a cup of coffee
sit at computer read mail

i had e-mails from some friends a couple of bill notices and an email from dragonkin. he said that he had received something in his email that he couldn't open, which does happen sometimes, and he asked for me to try it on my computer since sometimes i can open things that he can't (and vise-a-versie).
i down loaded it to my windows media player and wait to see what it might be.
after a few moments it was done so i went to what type of commercial it was (we get funny commercials from friends that play at media player). all i got was a statement that sent me into a tissie. (remember i know nothing about computers)
i shut down all programs that were running and ran a deep virus check which took up my time on the computer. when dragonkin wakes up i tell him that what he has sent was a possible virus and he started to laugh. because of something that i had written here he decided to create that email and send it to me as a joke.
well it was a good joke for him and celtic. one day i shall pay him back for that little prank..... if my spooks don't get him first

Posted by: 4dak Jan 23 2006, 05:11 PM

I am sorry for the spelling errors and sentence structure. But I found it in my email box. it was sent to me by my friend. I didn't right the email but I probably should have checked the spelling before posting it.

Posted by: Dragonkin Jan 24 2006, 11:14 AM

Sorry, Gaia. laugh.gif I just can't stop laughing. roll.gif

Oh! and 4dak. I was talking about how you used to write in all of the stories in the past, the email just reminded me of..... MY WISH CAME TRUE!!! yay.gif yay.gif yay.gif

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jan 24 2006, 11:28 AM


A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,


Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the voice bellowed,


The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,


She stopped, looked skyward, and said,


The voice replied,


(by the way.... it still isn't funny dragonkin)

Posted by: ellen6 Jan 24 2006, 01:33 PM

I recently saw this one going around again.

Subject: Can you read this?

Olny srmat poelpe can.
Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed tihs psas it on!! If not dleete it !!!

Posted by: 4dak Jan 24 2006, 04:19 PM

my math teacher has the same thing on his door.

Posted by: budgiemom Jan 24 2006, 04:37 PM

shock.gif Wow!!! It was no tribble at all.

Posted by: Ayli Jan 24 2006, 05:21 PM

I didn't have any trouble reading it too, Budgie. Well, it is well known that we are smart people shock.gif

sprint.gif hiding.gif tomato.gif

Posted by: kurtg1265 Jan 25 2006, 01:51 AM

Zen sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the windshield; some days you're the bug.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Posted by: Ja'de Jan 27 2006, 03:50 PM

I can relate to this one.
New Englanders, forget Rednecks is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...

If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might live in New England.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live in New England.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you live in New England.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

And, you know you are a New Englander when "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.

You carry jumpers in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

The speed limit on the highway is 55mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you!

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends!

Posted by: Rex Havoc Jan 27 2006, 04:00 PM

roll.gif I resemble those remarks!! Having lived in Maine and being from Massachusetts, they sound perfectly logical to me!! smile.gif

Posted by: Dragonkin Jan 28 2006, 03:57 AM

If you have a long conversation with a wrong number, and only the first sentence is civil, you're from New Jersy.

Oh, and the speeding in a 55 zone, and being passed..... That's my daily commute to work. Only difference, when I hit the 70 zone, I hit 90 and everyone else hits 115. down.gif

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Feb 2 2006, 12:15 PM

i have 2 for you today
one is rather sad
the other information

Click here to view a spoiler.

Click here to view a spoiler.

Posted by: Dragonkin Feb 3 2006, 02:42 AM

Thanks for the warning. smile.gif cry.gif

Posted by: Rex Havoc Feb 5 2006, 09:34 AM

Personnaly, I find Silly Putty, on an English Muffin, to make a fine breakfast... (After all, it comes in an egg, how bad can it be for you?!)

Posted by: Shadowcats Feb 5 2006, 12:17 PM

Green eggs and ham?

Posted by: Dragonkin Feb 7 2006, 05:01 AM

Some never make it home:

"New York Minute"

Harry got up,
Dressed all in black,
Went down to the station,
And he never came back.
They found his clothing,
Scattered somewhere down the track,
And he won’t be down on wall street,
In the morning.

He had a home,
The love of a girl,
But men get lost sometimes,
As years unforl.
One day he crossed some line,
And he was too much in this world,
But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.

In a new york minute,
Everything can change.
In a new york minute,
Things can get pretty strange.
In a new york minute,
Everything can change.
In a new york minute.

Lying here in the darkness,
I hear the sirens wail,
Somebody's going to emergency,
Somebody’s going to jail.
If you find somebody to love in this world,
You better hang on tooth and nail,
The wolf is always at the door.

In a new york minute,
Everything can change.
In a new york minute,
Things can get a little strange.
In a new york minute,
Everything can change.
In a new york minute.

And in these days,
When darkness falls early,
And people rush home,
To the ones they love.
You better take a fool’s advice,
And take care of your own.
One day they’re here;
Next day they’re gone.

I pulled my coat around my shoulders,
And took a walk down through the park.
The leaves were falling around me,
The groaning city in the gathering dark.
On some solitary rock,
A desperate lover left his mark,
’baby, I’ve changed. please come back.’

What the head makes cloudy,
The heart makes very clear.
The days were so much brighter,
In the time when she was here.
But I know there’s somebody somewhere,
Make these dark clouds disappear.
Until that day, I have to believe,
I believe, I believe.

In a new york minute,
Everything can change.
In a new york minute,
Things are getting pretty strange.
In a new york minute,
Everything can change.
In a new york minute.

Posted by: Ja'de Feb 11 2006, 03:23 PM

Has anyone been to I have just started to explore it so don't know the ratings of all the contents but this one strikes me as a global virus unleashed. Commercials included.

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Feb 13 2006, 11:04 AM

to bad i couldn't see the vid
but i could hear it

Posted by: budgiemom Feb 13 2006, 12:49 PM

shock.gif I went to the Stupid Video place and had a blast...Remember our favorite Christmas lights video...It's rated #7.

Well, I was in a curious mood and ready for a song. This is for all you Gogsters who buy things on ebay...I just love the lyrics. Notice how many times Star Wars, LOTR and other sci-fi stuff shows up!


Posted by: Ayli Feb 13 2006, 04:25 PM

Follow the instructions to see some cool,

Oh, and I saw some of those stupid videos, it's a hoot laugh.gif

Posted by: budgiemom Feb 13 2006, 07:24 PM

confused1.gif Hmmmm....well, I saw the green dot and it rotated and then there were green dots between the pink dots. The pink dots never went away, tho. Maybe it was the old trifocals and all the scratches on them...but I kept seeing green and pink dots! laugh.gif

Posted by: Robyn Mar 3 2006, 06:27 PM

A new revision of

Posted by: L'lee Mar 3 2006, 07:14 PM

Oh, now that is goooood, Robyn! Me wonders if our own cat2.gif has seen that one...

Posted by: Robyn Mar 16 2006, 10:08 PM

From today's In-Box:













Posted by: Robyn Mar 23 2006, 11:45 PM

A friend passed on a link to this video.

The funny thing is that I used to occasionally play a slightly earlier version done for Chrysler when I was teaching robotics classes. (Just to show that the stuff I was teaching was MUCH easier to understand, don't-cha know... wink3.gif ) This version also included a "Maintenance section", which was possibly even better. thumbsup.gif Unfortunately, I haven't been able to locate a copy of this version. down.gif

Even funnier is just HOW OLD this is! whistling.gif

Posted by: budgiemom Mar 24 2006, 11:53 AM

Huh? confused1.gif The only words I understood were brand names, Dodge, etc.

Posted by: Robyn Mar 24 2006, 06:42 PM

QUOTE (budgiemom @ Mar 24 2006, 11:53 AM) *
Huh? confused1.gif The only words I understood were brand names, Dodge, etc.
Ahh. That is more or less the point. You have someone using mostly meaningless technical mumbo-jumbo, and coming across like it's for real. The amazing thing is that he manages to do this with a straight face! lmao.gif

Of course, this is exactly how REAL technical jargon sounds to the vast majority of people who don't have a clue about what is being talked about... blink.gif wink3.gif

Posted by: Ayli Mar 24 2006, 07:55 PM

Yep, I've seen this before and I knew it was a techno mumbo-jumbo laugh.gif almost a Trek talk laugh.gif

Posted by: zam Mar 25 2006, 06:03 AM

QUOTE (Robyn @ Mar 24 2006, 05:45 AM) *
A friend passed on a link to this video.

The funny thing is that I used to occasionally play a slightly earlier version done for Chrysler when I was teaching robotics classes. (Just to show that the stuff I was teaching was MUCH easier to understand, don't-cha know... wink3.gif ) This version also included a "Maintenance section", which was possibly even better. thumbsup.gif Unfortunately, I haven't been able to locate a copy of this version. down.gif

Even funnier is just HOW OLD this is! whistling.gif

This machine looks great, I am thinking to buy one for home smile.gif Any news when it will be available for customers ???? roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif

Posted by: Dragonkin Mar 25 2006, 08:15 AM

What is sad is I recognize most of the machinery. shy.gif

And we use Allen-Bradley products at work. rolleyes.gif

...Did he say "Soil Sinus"???

The dirt BREATHS!?

ANYway, if it wasn't for the techno-babble like speech, I would probably understand what he is talking about, since the controllers are used to regulate the systems of many machines, as well as robotic movements and pressures caused by the movement of the "fingers" of the robotic arm as well as the tran-comfret tension caused by the use of the ...okay, I can't do techo-babble.
(Yes, everything is actual here up to tran-comfret.)

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Mar 27 2006, 01:36 PM

*Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
*Maxine's Way * Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha's Way*To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
*Maxine's Way *Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha's Way*When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
*Maxine's Way *Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
*Maxine's Way *If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

*Martha's Way*Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
*Maxine's Way *Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way*Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
*Maxine's Way *The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

*Martha's Way*Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
*Maxine's Way *Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

*Martha's Way*If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
*Maxine's Way *Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way*Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
*Maxine's Way *Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Posted by: racegirl Mar 27 2006, 02:31 PM

clapping.gif I love it!! Leftover wine??? No such thing!! roll.gif biggrin.gif

Posted by: Dragonkin Mar 28 2006, 11:19 AM

I had to dump a year and a half old bottle over the weekend. down.gif

It tasted bad anywya, so I guess no real loss there.

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Mar 30 2006, 10:13 AM

but i cooked with it

(ok... rarely)

Posted by: Rex Havoc Mar 30 2006, 10:50 AM

Is that cooking with it or, cooking "with" it! whistling.gif lmao.gif

Posted by: Ja'de Mar 30 2006, 08:01 PM

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Posted by: Dragonkin Apr 2 2006, 02:18 PM

Good one Ja'de!

(Rexie. Gaia can't drink wine anymore, and she doesn't like red wine anyway, but she sure misses it. wink3.gif )
(I'm the snuckered chef. biggrin.gif )

Posted by: L'lee Apr 2 2006, 11:51 PM

New Words for 2006

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, "fertilizes" everything, and then leaves.
3. (removed due to "off-color" nature)
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get taken advantage of and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells, or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. Michael Jackson's trial and The Bachelor finale are prime examples.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message, "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape which are exactly the same no matter where one is, e.g., food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting "send" on an email to the wrong people by mistake.)
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a cube farm.

Posted by: budgiemom Apr 3 2006, 08:33 AM

laugh.gif You made my day!!! I gotta show these to hubby!!!

Posted by: K'Huunah Apr 11 2006, 02:59 PM

QUOTE (L @ Apr 2 2006, 09:51 PM) *
New Words for 2006

only problem is that at least a couple of them (cube farm and prariedogging, not to mention 404) are a LOT older than 2006... smile.gif

i gotta find some stuff to post here. as soon as i resurrect my failed laptop hard drive where all my email is stored, that is...

Posted by: Robyn Apr 18 2006, 06:56 PM

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring... which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jun 4 2006, 09:26 AM

Slow down for three minutes to read this.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"

Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt."

Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)

Karen - age 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8
And the final one
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

Posted by: TheGamer Jun 4 2006, 06:59 PM

very nice clapping.gif

Posted by: Robyn Jun 8 2006, 08:54 PM

US Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.

4 Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot...

Navy SEAL's Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly
4. Curse bitterly
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's. It can get you killed
6. Curse bitterly

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines...

Posted by: budgiemom Jun 8 2006, 10:06 PM

smile.gif As my Dad (who was career Navy--enlisted--Pappy Jack) would say..."Yup..." Except when it came to Destroyers--nothing like Depth Charges and Torpedoes... cool.gif

Hubby who was army (helicopters) totally agrees with US Army Rules.

Posted by: Dragonkin Jun 11 2006, 01:00 AM


One sec, what was that about the Air Force.....


Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jun 11 2006, 11:06 AM

them there where fighting words

Posted by: DaDungeon Jun 12 2006, 11:34 PM

Cousin Katy sent one that struck a chord in DaDungeon.

This is the text of the email:
"Can you imagine?
some guy going 90 mph on the interstate with these balloons trailing about a few yards behind him?

Instructions for a fun time on the interstate.....................
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell....
Step 3. Watch people freak out !!!! "

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

The chord?

Here's the text of the reply I sent to her:
"This IS a good one, Katy. I instantly went back mentally to a sort of similar stunt I witnessed back in my labcoat-flappin' days.

One of the techs on the graveyard shift had been "inspired" when the lab received a batch of trash bags which were more translucent than those we usually used. Graveyard shifts do that to certain personality types, especially when the work load hits a temporary lull.

Anyway, he filled one with helium from a backup bottle for some analytical equipment in the lab. Then he bound the opening with that funky hunter's orange tape, also catching up a mini-flashlight in the opening -- pointed up into the bag's interior. Finally, he taped a few glow sticks to its outer surface.

He chose his time, turned on the flashlight -- which made the bag glow quite eerily, activated the glowsticks -- which were that wierd neon greenish yellow they came in back then, and let the bag drift up into the night sky.

His final step was to turn on his scanner and to listen for any radioed reactions to his UFO concoction.

Most people who spotted it immediately knew it was a prank, but the ones who were either a few brain cells short of a chain, or were silly enough to allow themselves to be caught up in the "aliens are visiting us" mind games, were happy to oblige with a few freaked out comments as the thing floated over."

Posted by: Robyn Jun 13 2006, 10:53 PM

In my "younger" days, I was known to occasionally fill trash bags with helium and send them aloft trailing several square feet of aluminium foil as radar targets.... Just trying to liven things up for the air traffic control folks, don't-cha-know. whistling.gif They also made good launching platforms for model gliders (The small balsa or paper ones.), but I never got up the nerve to use one as a model rocket launching platform. (Too many chances of things going wrong.) smile.gif

The following link was emailed to me from a friend: Hmmm.

Posted by: Ja'de Jun 14 2006, 07:29 PM


Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.


Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.


The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?



1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.



1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.



1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.



1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.


Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.


At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.


Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Jun 15 2006, 08:59 AM


those were good ones

Posted by: kurtg1265 Jun 25 2006, 04:41 PM

Vendetta 1 and 2. Make sure to watch 1 first. whistling.gif



Posted by: budgiemom Jun 25 2006, 05:12 PM

laugh.gif Kelm needs to see these!!!! thumbsup.gif O, BTW--- offtopic.gif --Kelm's budgies cleaned up at the National Budgie and Caged Bird Show in London this past week! and He Won BEST OF SHOW!!!

Posted by: IBnetweasel Jun 27 2006, 05:23 AM

QUOTE (Robyn @ Apr 18 2006, 04:56 PM) *
A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring... which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by peeing and moaning

lmao.gif clapping.gif ...I seriously laughed out loud to myself all the way through the explanation....
I HAVE to share this with my friends/family.

Moderator Note

Edited for language


Posted by: Ayli Jun 27 2006, 10:07 AM

Kurt, those two videos are just great thumbsup.gif

Posted by: Nighthawk Jun 27 2006, 11:50 PM

Hilarious videos, Kurt. lmao.gif thumbsup.gif


Posted by: Robyn Jul 20 2006, 06:11 PM

Right Answer...

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000
milestone money.

And as she suspected, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but
instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

A. the condor
B. the buzzard
C. the cuckoo
D. the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. To make matters
worse, she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline.

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped
against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly because the only
friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her
the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde
that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand the blonde
had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant
could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said,
"C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer
is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because you knew the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with
which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice.
By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests. They live in clocks."

Posted by: TheGamer Jul 21 2006, 09:47 PM

that was good! lmao.gif

Posted by: 4dak Jul 21 2006, 11:44 PM

Winning The Lottery

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and
she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she
decides to ask God for help and she begins to pray....

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

That night the blonde dreams she wins the lotto. Lotto night comes,
and somebody else wins it. The next day she prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business my house and
I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes, and again somebody else wins it. Once again, she

"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,
and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I
have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto
this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this..........Buy a ticket."

Posted by: Robyn Jul 24 2006, 08:10 PM

Subject: Similes and metaphors

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpa nts in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride f ell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was t he East River.

18 Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Posted by: budgiemom Jul 25 2006, 10:32 AM

laugh.gif I laughed so hard, especially at 1,3,6,12,and 22 cool.gif

Posted by: William H. Maier Jul 26 2006, 01:04 PM

I see 12 as a real life experience shock.gif lmao.gif

Posted by: Nighthawk Jul 26 2006, 07:31 PM

Those were great. I sent them to several friends and got this reply back from one, who had sent them on to a list of other friends;

"Look what I got back...

'Check this out if you do not already partake of Bulwer Lytton literary
treasures. The items you sent would be good entries. ' "

I agree.


Posted by: Robyn Aug 2 2006, 08:32 PM

And now for something completely different:

Posted by: budgiemom Aug 3 2006, 07:25 AM

laugh.gif I have always loved that song and wanted a here it is with video...Thanks Robyn. I have saved it to my favorites already and played it more than once. Woot!!!!! thumbsup.gif

Posted by: Ra'Phil Aug 3 2006, 08:08 AM

Subject: Thanks for all the emails
>> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the e-mail
>> about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now
>> have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs
>> sealing.
>> Also,I now have to scrub the top of every can I open
>> for the same reason.
>> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
>> sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
>> hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>> I no longer have any money at all, but that will
>> change once I receive the $15,000 that Bil
>> Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
>> participating in their special e-mail program.
>> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
>> angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena
>> has granted my every wish.
>> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
>> actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
>> feathers.
>> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
>> I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
>> answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends
>> and make a wish within five minutes.
>> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
>> because it can remove toilet stains.
>> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
>> along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl
>> in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
>> who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
>> "Under God" on their cans.
>> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
>> causes cancer.
>> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
>> water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up
>> in my face...disfiguring me for life.
>> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
>> because I could be nicked with a needle infected with
>> AIDS.
>> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
>> drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
>> they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
>> don't
>> support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
>> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
>> me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
>> with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
>> Uzbekistan.
>> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
>> once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
>> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
>> because a big brown African spider is lurking under
>> the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
>> butt.
>> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
>> has given us. I can live a better life now because
>> he's told us how to fix everything. And, are those
>> really George Carlin's rantings?
>> Thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
>> $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably
>> was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath
>> my car to grab my leg.
>> Oh, and don't forget this one either:
>> I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas
>> from
>> certain gas companies!
>> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
>> people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
>> diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
>> afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
>> your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
>> this will occur because it actually happened to a
>> friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
>> second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a
>> wonderful day....
>> One more thing.. New study:
>> A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
>> lengthy study, has discovered that people with
>> insufficient brain and sexual activity read their
>> e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

Posted by: budgiemom Aug 3 2006, 09:26 AM

shock.gif OMG........

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
>> lengthy study, has discovered that people with
>> insufficient brain and sexual activity read their
>> e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
Yup, that was me! bleh.gif hheheheeheh blush.gif

Posted by: William H. Maier Aug 3 2006, 10:30 AM

Is my office being bugged shock.gif confused1.gif lmao.gif /me looks for hidden video camera bash.gif

Posted by: Prah Resheph Aug 4 2006, 07:45 PM

In Honour of Stupid People . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...

****Blessed are the cracked: For it is they who let in the light*****

alien.gif alien.gif


Posted by: Etheldred Aug 4 2006, 10:54 PM

lmao.gif clapping.gif

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Aug 6 2006, 11:03 AM

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry
the little girl across the street.

The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children,

hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said.

"Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered.

"We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.

It's right across the street, so I can run home

if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,"

the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies?

When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.

"We're not going to have babies.

Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

Posted by: Ra'Phil Aug 8 2006, 09:44 PM

laugh.gif I liked that smile.gif

Posted by: L'lee Aug 9 2006, 03:20 PM

And here is one I got today...

edit: Oh, sorry... it's MSN Video... but I am sure it is out there and available to other browsers... I will look to see if I can find it on youtube....

Here it is on youtube...

And on StupidVideos...

Hope that covers all of the non-IE browsers...

Posted by: Robyn Aug 9 2006, 07:06 PM

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Posted by: IBnetweasel Aug 11 2006, 01:27 AM

I liked this little cartoon... lmao.gif

Posted by: Robyn Aug 21 2006, 07:32 PM

Pet Rules:

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a pawprint in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing inthe slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Posted by: budgiemom Aug 22 2006, 11:18 AM

laugh.gif oH, l liked the last 11...especially, we could have saved a gazillion dollars. cool.gif

Posted by: Dragonkin Aug 22 2006, 02:41 PM

Unfortunately, you can't grow old and make you pets pay for your livelihood. down.gif

Posted by: DaDungeon Sep 9 2006, 12:43 PM

A forwarded little jewel . . .
received thru a line of military email addies.

Does that somehow lend creedence to the claim of veracity of incident?
cool.gif tomato.gif

A Charlotte , NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... and WON!
(Stay with me now.)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

I really have a tendency to question the thing . . .
and think a fertile imagination was afoot . . .
especially after doing a serch engine thing on the phrase "Criminal Lawyers Award Contest".

But true or not . . .
it's a good one . . .
chortling was heard issuing from behind Ms Hide's sanctum sanctorum.

Posted by: kurtg1265 Sep 9 2006, 09:03 PM


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES: Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat .. been out a while. Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK: $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!: Must sell washer and dryer $300.



FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Posted by: Etheldred Sep 10 2006, 11:27 AM

lmao.gif clapping.gif

Posted by: Robyn Sep 12 2006, 05:31 PM

Why God made Moms -
answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus superpowers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because my dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power
'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Posted by: Robyn Sep 21 2006, 06:56 PM

Well, more folks are sending me links to videos... whistling.gif Not!

Posted by: Robyn Sep 28 2006, 09:35 PM Hmmm. This was forwarded to me by my wife... Guess this explains a few things around here. unsure.gif

Posted by: budgiemom Sep 29 2006, 09:51 AM

shock.gif Are we related???? Cuz my hubby's cousin sent that same video to me Yesterday toooooo!!! laugh.gif I knew it, it's a worldwide conspiracy to a. Clog the internet b. Brainwash us c., is that why there are cobwebs hanging from all the ceiling lights and spiders live in the corners.....

thumbsup.gif BTW, loved the D&D video...

Posted by: kurtg1265 Sep 29 2006, 09:10 PM

To my darling husband

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.


Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Posted by: L'lee Sep 30 2006, 11:32 AM

slightly bent? "bumped" into the car? lmao.gif That sounds like my kind of optimist! Hee-hee Only in Arkansas would a family who owns a Ferrari shop at Wal-Mart! lmao.gif Makes me wonder if the note was from one of old Sam Walton's daughters in law??? lmao.gif wink3.gif

Posted by: Nighthawk Sep 30 2006, 02:00 PM

Gives an entirely new meaning to "double parked." lmao.gif clapping.gif

At least the bikes seem to be unscathed. laugh.gif


Posted by: ikonius Sep 30 2006, 04:43 PM

QUOTE (gaiasmaiden @ May 10 2005, 01:20 AM) *
from my dear friend that knows when i need a laugh!!

Andy Rooney's tips for telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work----I have been doing this for a few years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

Good one smile.gif Guess I'll have to apply that towards my junk mail wink3.gif

I work as a sales rep for an answering service (outbound calls only, no telemarketing), and we have one or two funeral homes as clients. Here's a funny little anecdote about a call one of our agents took a year and a half back.

She took this information call from a woman who wanted to know if a certain person was exposed at that particular funeral home that week-end. The agent ended her conversation with "Thank you ma'am. I'll give the gentleman your mesage"

Now there's a hint that your job's becoming a tad repetitive lmao.gif

Posted by: Robyn Oct 10 2006, 06:49 PM

Tech Support

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk...sorry....
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
Tech support:
Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bernie, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bernie.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bernie.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT! whistling.gif

Posted by: BobC Oct 27 2006, 05:33 AM

Here's a spooky one I recieved from a co-worker yesterday.

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the
image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward




Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him






He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the




on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


The coffin stops

shock.gif tomato.gif bleh.gif sprint.gif hiding.gif

Posted by: Ayli Oct 27 2006, 09:05 AM

That was scary, Bob laugh.gif

Posted by: Robyn Oct 28 2006, 09:40 AM

Not really humor, but for all you Terry Pratchett fans:


Posted by: budgiemom Oct 29 2006, 09:36 AM

laugh.gif What a wonderful wedding present and such a wedding cake! Such artistic talent always leaves me in awe!

Posted by: budgiemom Oct 30 2006, 11:34 AM

bleh.gif This arrived in my e-mail from hubby's cousin as part of Sister and Girlfriends Week or somesuch silliness. I especially got a kick from #4 (and most of you know what I mean)

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3 Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.


Posted by: Dragonkin Oct 31 2006, 03:15 AM

Wha she say? blink.gif


Posted by: TheGamer Nov 2 2006, 05:46 PM

lmao.gif i liked those.

Posted by: Shadowcats Nov 7 2006, 03:16 AM

Got this sent to me

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When life leaves you hanging...
Anything can happen.
Bend, don't break.
Challenge your potential.
Destiny is a choice.
Effort creates opportunities.
Follow your intuition.
Get back up and try again.
Hold on to your vision.
Impress yourself.
Just dig a little deeper.
Keep knocking on doors.
Learn from mistakes.
Motivate with compassion.
Nothing worthwhile comes easy.
Own a positive attitude.
Problems hold messages.
Question what's not working.
Regroup when you need to.
Stand up for your principles.
Think outside the box.
Unite perseverance with resolve.
Value knowing when to walk away.
Work smarter, not just harder.
Xhaust all possibilities.
You can, if you think you can.
Zzzz's, take naps as needed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Nov 14 2006, 10:57 AM

sorry so late seeing everything here

loved the cake!!

Posted by: budgiemom Nov 19 2006, 01:03 PM

This arrived from hubby's cousin this morning. I am of the Get In and Get Out and it's hubby who has to check everything and read everything...drives me up the wall. BUT......although I have never dreamed of doing any of these things....... whistling.gif Note to Mod: if you think #3 is toooo much, feel free to edit it out...

Sent: Wednesday, November 15, 2006 2:48 PMSubject: Bored At Wal Mart

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with
her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to
get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton
gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our
stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was
shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go
off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a
bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department
and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from
the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him,
he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible " theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least .

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in


Posted by: BobC Nov 19 2006, 06:50 PM

clapping.gif roll.gif roll.gif clapping.gif
The Madonna look.... Whatever might that be?? roll.gif roll.gif

Posted by: 4dak Nov 19 2006, 07:25 PM

I was sent that exact email by my aunt about a month ago.

It still gives me a laugh.

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Nov 21 2006, 08:35 AM

Old Coffee

Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini
marts to get myself a cup of freshly-brewed coffee. When I picked up
the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as
asphalt and just about as thick.

"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was
standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. "Don't know. Been workin' here only two weeks."
New Math

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds

52 cards: 1 decacards

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League
oops! i almost forgot this one.......
Elvis Presley's Senior Citizen song :

Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day...
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding, are your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for
her, and its prostate for him. Does your back give you your
knees predict rain? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up, your cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low-fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot,
keeps you like a well-oiled machine.

If it's football, or baseball...he sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at...but forgets what it's for.
So, your gall bladder's gone, and his gout lingers on.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not. When you're cold, then he's hot. Then you
start that old thermostat war. When you turn out the light, he goes
left, you go right. Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic, and witty and smart.
How'd he turn out to be such a cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets, this is as good as it gets.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight

Posted by: Etheldred Nov 21 2006, 10:34 AM

lmao.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif

Posted by: Rex Havoc Dec 13 2006, 04:11 PM

Batting Practice... whistling.gif

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Dec 23 2006, 09:56 AM

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children
on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, and sold
sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,

since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on
the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are
strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the
grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month
of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that
doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator
with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes,
Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight, and
three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems
to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by
the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of
eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a
Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten
the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a
vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful
if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding
payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and
come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave
crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM...!

P.S. One more can cancel all my requests if you can keep my
children young enough to believe in Santa.

rex, loved the up to 291.5

Posted by: budgiemom Dec 24 2006, 09:51 AM

I think the letters is great!

(Budgie got up to 316.7...)

Posted by: Piran Dec 26 2006, 09:19 AM

Oh Budgie! RE: the WalMart letter.... lmao.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif
This has been a bumpy week or so for me. I needed a good laugh. I laughed so hard tears came out my eyes!!!

I also enjoyed the letter to Santa. I certainly came to the right place for a pick-me-up.

Thanks guys! clapping.gif clapping.gif

Posted by: Ayli Dec 26 2006, 11:00 AM

QUOTE (Rex Havoc @ Dec 13 2006, 04:11 PM) *
Batting Practice... whistling.gif

Poor pinguin down.gif

Posted by: Piran Jan 19 2007, 08:17 AM

This isn't funny, though it's quite astonishing. Being that it came to me in my email, I thought this was the proper thread.

"These trees were grown in Santa Cruz CA the year I don't know , but the man that grew them never told any one how he did it . then in around 1999 the owner of Nob Hill foods in Gilroy CA moved them to his park in Gilroy and they are doing well. "

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

I surely thought these looked like something that would be written in to a D'ni age! This man must have been a member of the Guild of Growers! whistling.gif

Posted by: L'lee Jan 19 2007, 10:21 AM

QUOTE (Piran @ Jan 19 2007, 07:17 AM) *
{snip} the man that grew them never told any one how he did it {snip}

shock.gif Veeeeerrrrry carefully, and with years of TLC (Tender Loving Care)! worship.gif

Simply AMAZING!! Thank you so much for sharing them with us!

Posted by: kurtg1265 Jan 19 2007, 07:58 PM

Yes those are quite neat. It looks like a few he somehow fused a couple trees together. I think I would be cringing every time a good windstorm came through though. They cant be as strong as a normal tree trunk.

Posted by: L'lee Jan 22 2007, 10:19 AM

I dunno, Kurt... The way I have seen this type of thing done before, they actually cut away the outer surface of bark, and make the tree branches grow together so that, eventually, the branches are actually intertwined. A multistranded rope is stronger than a single strand, so I'd think these tress have got to be pretty strong... *shrug*

Posted by: Ayli Jan 22 2007, 11:10 AM

Yes, simply amazing shock.gif It reminds me of piercing that is done in some cultures that produces big openings in the parts of the body, like lips or ears.

Posted by: Ja'de Jan 23 2007, 09:58 PM

For us older folks out there, how about a trip down memory lane.

Posted by: Lial Jan 24 2007, 12:29 PM

Posted by: Piran Jan 24 2007, 01:23 PM

clapping.gif Oh Lial, I enjoyed that very much! Thank you!

Posted by: Nighthawk Jan 24 2007, 09:14 PM

QUOTE (Ja @ Jan 23 2007, 08:58 PM) *
For us older folks out there, how about a trip down memory lane.

Nice Ja'de. Thanks. I had forgotten how many shows had animals in them: dogs, horses, and even fish (Flipper- well, technically, a mammal laugh.gif ). I would have also liked to have seen Peter Gunn and Mr. Lucky in the line-up.

And Lial, what a wonderful story and set of pictures. Thanks for sharing. biggrin.gif

Posted by: Nighthawk Jan 26 2007, 07:59 PM

Subject: Jobs.........

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice
factory, but I got Canned. I couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I
just couldn't Hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just
wasn't suited for it - Mainly because it was a sew-sew

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but
that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a
little spice to my life, But I just didn't have the

6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I
sliced it I couldn't Cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found
I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I
didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I
just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
that I couldn't live On my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool
Maintenance Company, But the work was just too

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they
said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work! ,
I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized
there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to
quit because it was Always the same old grind.


Wish that rang a bell for me. But one of these days.... lmao.gif

Posted by: Robyn Feb 1 2007, 07:23 PM

I forwarded this piece to a few friends...
Which got this link in return...

Posted by: Robyn Feb 2 2007, 11:49 PM

And then this reply...
Dear Fluffy,

I was almost persuaded into a Nigerian scam a few months ago, but followed my intuition, which led me to not falling for the deal (of a lifetime!). But, you are so cute and I want to help! I can imagine you stuffing yourself with all that bad tuna, poor Kitty! So, just let me know what I must do to help a sweet little Kitty like you!

You must do one thing for me though. If my cat Sidney finds out I'm helping you with your tuna problem, well, lets just say there would be big problems, and I do believe he listens in to my phone conversations, and I'm quite sure he reads my e-mail too, he's always hanging around when I have people over, you know, probably listening to what we're saying!! Sometimes he hides behind the sofa out of sight, just taking it all in!!!

So be very cautious when you contact me...your name will be Jake instead of Fluffy....Your tuna problem will be a vicious dog that kills cats every time you turn around....and you live next door.

I've been trying to keep Sidney in the house instead of going outside for quite some time now, (I think he is planning on taking my car for a joy ride, why else would my car keys come up missing just to be found close to the cat box) and you just might help me out there.

Your Friend Always

Hey, you wouldn't have any money to put into my accounts to help me out financially, would you?


Yeah. Janet better be careful, or I'm sure Sidney will be demanding a cut... whistling.gif

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Mar 28 2007, 08:50 AM


Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital . .

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . "

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. &nb sp;Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me s***.

Posted by: Piran Mar 29 2007, 06:32 AM

I received this link in an email this morning. I knew right away EXACTLY who I wanted to share it with! YOU!!! Enjoy everyone! hug2.gif

Posted by: Ayli Mar 29 2007, 11:12 AM

That's a nice one Piran hug2.gif

Posted by: CAGrayWolf Mar 30 2007, 01:08 PM

I know I have never posted in this thread ... but this was to funny to pass up and needed to share it with you all. lmao.gif

The 3rd man in history to walk on water:

The 1st one was Christ...

The 2nd one was Peter (the apostle)...

Then there was this guy, Jose.........

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Posted by: kurtg1265 Mar 30 2007, 08:13 PM

Id be willing to bet with that kind of incentive, just about anybody could.......... lmao.gif

Posted by: BobC Apr 3 2007, 06:17 PM

That's a good one, Wolfie!! thumbsup.gif

lmao.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif

Posted by: CAGrayWolf Apr 25 2007, 01:08 PM

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in.

Posted by: Rex Havoc Apr 25 2007, 04:54 PM

QUOTE (J'ade)
For us older folks out there, how about a trip down memory lane.

Hmmm, I MUST be old! I remember most of those!!

Posted by: budgiemom Apr 28 2007, 04:28 AM

Hubby sent me this. Don't know where he found it or when it was taken. But just could not resist sharing it with you....only in Texas could you have Snow and Bluebonnets!

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Posted by: CAGrayWolf Apr 30 2007, 10:05 PM

From my Aunt Sandy ... who is always sending this kind of stuff.

At Three minutes and Four seconds after 2 AM on the 6th of May this year,

time and date will be 02:03:04 05/06/07.

This will never happen again in our lifetime.

Posted by: kurtg1265 Apr 30 2007, 10:16 PM will at three minutes and four seconds after 2 PM bleh.gif

Posted by: racegirl May 1 2007, 12:03 AM

Hmmm.....doesn't work for me - it would be 02:03:04: 06/05/07 (we put the day before the month - the UK way).

Still pretty cool though!! hug.gif

Posted by: UruBoo May 1 2007, 11:05 AM

Well, in our way, it will happen again in June, 5th...

Posted by: racegirl May 1 2007, 01:49 PM

Oh yes! So it will!! hug.gif Boo

Posted by: CAGrayWolf May 1 2007, 03:59 PM

A WOMEN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... here's his picture. Have a great day and remember...


Posted by: gaiasmaiden May 2 2007, 09:20 AM


Posted by: CAGrayWolf May 9 2007, 04:23 PM

Another email from my Aunt Sandy ... she does send me some good ones. thumbsup.gif

I found this one extra-ordinary and somewhat close to my heart ... in that I loved and was very fascinated with Lego's growing up as a kid from age 6 when I was given my first Lego toy (1970). I built some amazing things back then, and often wanted to build more elaborate projects that I had seen on display in toy and hobby stores ... but sadly never got around to it.

Moving along to the email ... I decided to research this a bit more and found the actual website for the four images that were in the email and I decided rather than post the pictures here ... I would post the link instead ... mainly because the story behind the construction of this amazing project is just as, if not more touching ... and the story from the Lego People's point of view is just as fun to read.

So ... without further ado ...

Posted by: Ayli May 9 2007, 10:09 PM

Yes, I've seen this before. It's amazing the amount of work that the creator has put into it thumbsup.gif And the kitty is cute smile.gif

Posted by: CAGrayWolf May 11 2007, 02:09 PM

For the last company picnic, management decided that, due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.

I was fired for ordering the cups.

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Posted by: Dragonkin May 12 2007, 09:48 PM

wink3.gif *hik* biggrin.gif

Posted by: Robyn May 12 2007, 10:55 PM

Not that THIS group fits the profile. (But another list I'm on surely does! lmao.gif )
I believe I posted a similar listing a couple of years ago, but it's coming around again after mutating a bit.

How many Group members does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fifty seven members to blame Yahoo for burning the bulb
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Three to correct spelling/grammar errors.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated and start it all over again.

Posted by: CAGrayWolf May 13 2007, 07:49 PM

QUOTE (Robyn @ May 12 2007, 08:55 PM) *
Not that THIS group fits the profile. (But another list I'm on surely does! lmao.gif )
I believe I posted a similar listing a couple of years ago, but it's coming around again after mutating a bit.

bash.gif OW ... that hurt, I was both laughing and offended (can't imagine why whistling.gif ) by all this verymad.gif lmao.gif thumbsup.gif

Posted by: MystyRiver May 13 2007, 08:25 PM

QUOTE (Robyn @ May 12 2007, 11:55 PM) *
Not that THIS group fits the profile. (But another list I'm on surely does! lmao.gif )
I believe I posted a similar listing a couple of years ago, but it's coming around again after mutating a bit.

HEHEHEH... bash.gif headbang.gif whistling.gif bleh.gif clown.gif roll.gif roll.gif lmao.gif hiding.gif

Posted by: Dragonkin May 13 2007, 10:20 PM

I would much rather use the top one to the bottom one.

whistling.gif What? whistling.gif

Posted by: Deem May 13 2007, 11:39 PM

Laughing so hard right now!

BTW, I'm a traditionalist with a love for creativity:

Posted by: CAGrayWolf Jun 20 2007, 04:45 PM


*IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY on the tenth floor....*

*YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING......* *(not that you would...)*


*You open the door.... **



Click here to view/hide a spoiler.

Posted by: CAGrayWolf Jun 20 2007, 05:17 PM

The Man Rules-------------------
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"! from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!!

The 'Man' Rules
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Posted by: Robyn Jul 10 2007, 09:19 PM

A Terrible Joke "A Thief in Paris" :

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the
Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.)

Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.

Posted by: Ja'de Jul 31 2007, 08:41 PM

Just got this one from my brother.

I don't usually forward these but this was a good one to pass on. I think I've seen it before but nonetheless . . .



Here's to the good times we all had as kids, when life was so much simpler!!

Those Born 1920-1979


TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED th e 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hou rs building our go-carts out of scraps and the n ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to th em!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 5 0 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of themCONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as k ids, before th e lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good .

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bi rd flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" <

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this.

For the rest of us...pass this ON!

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Aug 13 2007, 09:26 AM

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.


Bad Leg
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

Posted by: Lial Aug 14 2007, 11:03 AM

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Aug 15 2007, 10:16 AM

an airman sits down to fill out a questionnaire for a correspondence course
he sits perplexed by one of the questions
"How long has your current employer been in business?"
after careful thought he writes down
"Since 1776."

Posted by: CAGrayWolf Aug 21 2007, 03:39 PM

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heek alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leakytire.

3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and laxative on the same night.

Posted by: gaiasmaiden Aug 23 2007, 06:00 AM


Posted by: BobC Oct 8 2007, 06:56 PM

This little gem arrived in my email today and I just had to share.


clapping.gif clapping.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif clapping.gif clapping.gif

Posted by: Ayli Oct 8 2007, 10:07 PM

Oh, this is wonderful!!! I sent a few e-mails of my own smile.gif

Posted by: budgiemom Oct 9 2007, 07:03 AM

clapping.gif Except for generational tech items, those words were spoken to me and by me....oh, I am so glad it wasn't Just me!!!!

Posted by: Rex Havoc Oct 22 2007, 08:18 AM

lmao.gif True to the 'lurker' who posts months after the original post, I thought I'd post this about post and this photo and this comment from Dragonkin

I would much rather use the top one to the bottom one.
with this question... Why? They are both florescent!! whistling.gif

Posted by: Robyn Oct 22 2007, 08:58 PM

For those addicted to the Food Channel... whistling.gif

Posted by: Dragonkin Oct 24 2007, 07:27 AM

It looks more futuristic and I like the loopy look. :shrug:

Posted by: Robyn Dec 8 2007, 05:31 PM

Mixing cats and Christmas trees?!? whistling.gif

Subject: How to Decorate Your Xmas Tree

Because, obviously, anything you can do is done better with cats! wink3.gif

Posted by: Etheldred Jan 25 2008, 08:32 PM

Just got this from a friend. Not as funny as it could be, IMO. Sorry if it offends anyone.

Maybe this is why home schooling is so popular in the US of A.


I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) Most of them are funny, but some are just sad.














14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}









Posted by: Ayli Jan 25 2008, 11:53 PM

QUOTE (BobC @ Oct 8 2007, 06:56 PM) *
This little gem arrived in my email today and I just had to share.


clapping.gif clapping.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif clapping.gif clapping.gif

Oh, I found lyrics to this video, I had problems understanding some of it, so now I do. Here is another link to roll.gif

Click here to view/hide a spoiler.
Get up now
Get up now
Get up out of bed
Wash your face
Brush your teeth
Comb your sleepyhead
Here's your clothes and your shoes
Hear the words I said
Get up now! Get up and make your bed
Are you hot? Are you cold?
Are you wearing that?
Where's your books and your lunch and your homework at?
Grab your coat and gloves and your scarf and hat
Don't forget! You gotta feed the cat
Eat your breakfast, the experts tell us it's the most important meal of all
Take your vitamins so you will grow up one day to be big and tall
Please remember the orthodontist will be seeing you at 3 today
Don't forget your piano lesson is this afternoon so you must play
Don't shovel
Chew slowly
But hurry
The bus is here
Be careful
Come back here
Did you wash behind your ears?
Play outside, don't play rough, will you just play fair?
Be polite, make a friend, don't forget to share
Work it out, wait your turn, never take a dare
Get along! Don't make me come down there
Clean your room, fold your clothes, put your stuff away
Make your bed, do it now, do we have all day?
Were you born in a barn? Would you like some hay?
Can you even hear a word I say?
Answer the phone! Get off the phone!
Don't sit so close, turn it down, no texting at the table
No more computer time tonight!
Your iPod's my iPod if you don't listen up
Where are you going and with whom and what time do you think you're coming home?
Saying thank you, please, excuse me makes you welcome everywhere you roam
You'll appreciate my wisdom someday when you're older and you're grown
Can't wait till you have a couple little children of your own
You'll thank me for the counsel I gave you so willingly
But right now I thank you not to roll your eyes at me
Close your mouth when you chew, would appreciate
Take a bite maybe two of the stuff you hate
Use your fork, do not burp or I'll set you straight
Eat the food I put upon your plate
Get an A, get the door, don't get smart with me
Get a grip, get in here, I'll count to three
Get a job, get a life, get a PHD
Get a dose of,
"I don't care who started it!
You're grounded until you're 36"
Get your story straight and tell the truth for once, for heaven's sake
And if all your friends jumped off a cliff would you jump, too?
If I've said it once, I've said at least a thousand times before
That you're too old to act this way
It must be your father's DNA
Look at me when I am talking
Stand up straighter when you walk
A place for everything and everything must be in place
Stop crying or I'll give you something real to cry about
Brush your teeth, wash your face, put your PJs on
Get in bed, get up here, say a prayer with mom
Don't forget, I love you
And tomorrow we will do this all again because a mom's work never ends
You don't need the reason why
Because, because, because, because
I said so, I said so, I said so, I said so
I'm the mom, the mom, the mom, the mom, the mom!!
Ta da!!!

Posted by: Robyn Feb 12 2008, 08:36 PM

Rube Goldberg does websites now... whistling.gif

Posted by: Ayli Feb 13 2008, 01:49 AM

Oh that is cute clapping.gif

Posted by: budgiemom Feb 13 2008, 09:30 AM

clapping.gif Yes, it made watching products for sale actually enjoyable!!! clapping.gif

Posted by: CAGrayWolf Feb 13 2008, 04:36 PM

QUOTE (Robyn @ Feb 12 2008, 05:36 PM) *
Rube Goldberg does websites now... whistling.gif

lmao.gif Thanks Robyn ... that was great. As Mom said, "Yes, it made watching products for sale actually enjoyable!!!"

Posted by: L'lee Feb 20 2008, 10:10 AM

Got this one from my sister today:


Posted by: racegirl Feb 20 2008, 01:14 PM

shock.gif Oh my goodness!! That's just sooooo scary!! I can relate to almost all of that (although I don't know what some things are, like Shrinky-Dinks confused1.gif I probably had an equivalent).

The song "Physical" isn't about aerobics?? Really?? blink.gif

Posted by: CAGrayWolf Feb 20 2008, 03:24 PM

I'm not a girl by any means ... and NO, I'm not a queen either bleh.gif ... but I could easily relate to just over half of these. I loved my "feathered hair" along with bell bottoms and fl-away Wind Tip collars. lmao.gif

Posted by: alaina Feb 21 2008, 10:07 AM

I remember a good chunk of that. Anybody remember Baby strawberry shortcake who blew strawberry scented kisses when you squeezed her lol. and those too cute booties.

Posted by: Shadowcats Feb 22 2008, 07:45 AM

LOL there all good pitty most of the funny emails I been getting are defiantly NOT "E" rated so won't post any. blush.gif

Posted by: L'lee Feb 22 2008, 11:42 PM

QUOTE (racegirl @ Feb 20 2008, 12:14 PM) *
shock.gif Oh my goodness!! That's just sooooo scary!! I can relate to almost all of that (although I don't know what some things are, like Shrinky-Dinks confused1.gif I probably had an equivalent).

Heehee... me too, Race... I remember making at home! Of course, I also remember homemade playdough that didn't stink like the brand name stuff did/still does!

Posted by: racegirl Feb 23 2008, 03:11 AM

Yep - I had an equivalent but can't remember what they were called now. Definitely not Shrinky Dinks.

I love the smell of commercially produced Playdoh smile.gif

Posted by: Shadowcats Feb 23 2008, 07:19 PM

Some from me I got from my cousin



Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love,

the guy notices a photo of another man,

On the woman's nightstand beside the bed

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?'

he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'

she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'

he continues.

'No, not at all'

she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'

he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the heck is he then?'

he demands.

She whispers in his ear,

'That's me before the surgery.'

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

Last one for now


Posted by: Nighthawk Feb 25 2008, 10:25 AM

These showed up today.

I know some have been posted here before, but others may not have been:

The ability to Make and Understand Puns Is the Highest

Level of Language Development. Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my Electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain, they name him 'Juan'; the other went to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Posted by: budgiemom Feb 25 2008, 01:21 PM

laugh.gif roll.gif laugh.gif The last two are the best!!!!!!! clapping.gif thanks for posting them! made my day!

Posted by: Robyn Feb 25 2008, 10:36 PM

OK, I agree with Budgie about the last two. wink3.gif

But, on to why I really stopped by. Here a a couple links to something really cool that showed up in my in-box today. I think perhaps we have another use for the Great Zero... whistling.gif
And (Be sure to play the videos...)

Posted by: L'lee Feb 29 2008, 05:54 PM

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says...

'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think .

Posted by: Robyn Apr 15 2008, 06:58 PM

Passed on from my sister--in-law...

It looks like Tom Smith may be approaching "critical mass." First he has the Official Song of "Talk Like a Pirate Day".... now says he has the Official LOLcat Song:

And if anyone is in the Detroit area and interested, he'll be at this weekend. (April 18 - 20) whistling.gif

Posted by: budgiemom Apr 16 2008, 09:20 AM

laugh.gif Arrrrrgh!!!!!...............way neat!

Posted by: Rex Havoc Apr 17 2008, 04:40 PM

A Pirates Life For Me!!

Posted by: Robyn Apr 21 2008, 08:59 PM
URP! I just about choked on this one! clapping.gif

Posted by: Robyn Apr 24 2008, 08:38 PM

Subject: Wrong email address

This one is priceless... Wrong email address?

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email ex pecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Your Loving Husband

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here! twisted.gif

Posted by: Shadowcats May 1 2008, 08:08 AM

From my cousin

Cats in a music store.....

Cat listening to Stevie Wonder

Cat listening to HOUSE music

Cat listening to Metal

Cat listening to Hip Hop

Cat listening to GANGSTA RAP

Cat listening to Techno

Sorry if they take a bit to load fully.

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