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Robyn
post Jun 17 2009, 02:49 PM
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We really do live in Dilbert's World...

OK, this one is not real, as it's a "re-telling" of the story from when Mr. Cole was speaking with some members of Congress a few years ago... But if you look at what the current Automotive Task Force is doing and saying now, I can believe that they are just as ignorant. Snopes.com: Repealing the Laws of Physics...
QUOTE
(From a senior level Chrysler person)

Monday morning I attended a breakfast meeting where the speaker/guest was David E. Cole, Chairman Center for Automotive Research (CAR and Professor at the Univ. of Michigan. You have all likely heard CAR quoted, or referred to in the auto industry news lately.

Mr. Cole, who is an engineer by training, told many stories of the difficulty of working with the folks that the Obama administration has sent to save the auto industry. There have been many meetings where a 30+ year experience automotive expert has to listen to a newcomer to the industry, someone with zero manufacturing experience, zero auto industry experience, zero business experience, zero finance experience, and zero engineering experience, tell them how to run their business.

Mr Cole's favorite story is as follows:

There was a team of Obama people speaking to Mr. Cole (Engineer, automotive experience 40+ years, Chairman of CAR). They were explaining to Mr. Cole that the auto companies needed to make a car that was electric and liquid natural gas (LNG) with enough combined fuel to go 500 miles so we wouldn't "need" so many gas stations (A whole other topic). They were quoting BTU's of LNG and battery life that they had looked up on some website.

Mr. Cole explained that to do this you would need a trunk FULL of batteries and a LNG tank at big as a car to make that happen and that there were problems related to the laws of physics that prevented them from...

The Obama person interrupted and said (and I am quoting here) "These laws of physics? Who's rules are those, we need to change that. (Some of the others wrote down the law name so they could look it up) We have the congress and the administration. We can repeal that law, amend it, or use an executive order to get rid of that problem. That's why we are here, to fix these sort of issues".

Business management may offer endless opportunities for pointing out the flaws and real-life stupidity through humor, but adding Big Government Business Management idiocy into the mix just opens up to a whole new universe of possibilities.

Actually, I credit Scott and Dilbert for some of the improvements you find in the workplace today, if only because the managers are more wary of looking like "fools from a comic strip."

Maybe we need a "Dilbert Does DC" crossover series to get the same points across... This would be a perfect example to start with! wink3.gif


Edited to add the Snopes link.

This post has been edited by Robyn: Jun 17 2009, 03:15 PM


--------------------
"What are we going to do today, Borg?"
"Same thing we always do, Pinkutus:
Try to assimilate the world!"
-Pinkutus & the Borg

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Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
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Robyn
post Jul 20 2009, 12:40 AM
Post #377


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Top Ten Endearing Habits of a Geeky Spouse
And of course, The 10 Annoying Habits...


--------------------
"What are we going to do today, Borg?"
"Same thing we always do, Pinkutus:
Try to assimilate the world!"
-Pinkutus & the Borg

Ad astra
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
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Robyn
post Jul 20 2009, 08:54 PM
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Ok, how about this Funny Photo?

Moderator Note

Changed link



This post has been edited by racegirl: Jul 24 2009, 01:20 AM


--------------------
"What are we going to do today, Borg?"
"Same thing we always do, Pinkutus:
Try to assimilate the world!"
-Pinkutus & the Borg

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Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
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Mari
post Aug 26 2009, 11:41 PM
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the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed........

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it.."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.


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Robyn
post Sep 10 2009, 12:09 AM
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Women who know their place

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands..

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."


--------------------
"What are we going to do today, Borg?"
"Same thing we always do, Pinkutus:
Try to assimilate the world!"
-Pinkutus & the Borg

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Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
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racegirl
post Oct 22 2009, 01:16 AM
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On Grandparents....

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye!!

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.

7.. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

8. When my grandson Melvin and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'Mine says I'm four to six.'

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'

11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'

12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'He's just for good luck .' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants!'


WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' (My favorite)!

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.


--------------------
I don't suffer from insanity.....
......I enjoy it!
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ellen6
post Oct 22 2009, 10:44 AM
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Aren't grandparents great!? lol
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JoSmiley
post Dec 22 2009, 09:14 PM
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Some good rules to keep in mind as you do your baking...

Christmas Cookie Rules...

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calories free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street " have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking
Causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories
Rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate.
We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!



So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!


--------------------
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Robyn
post Feb 15 2010, 02:27 PM
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1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong..

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... a-######-gain.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever --.

15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? @#!$ it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and then goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well as the fridge..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with a Budweiser than Kay.




--------------------
"What are we going to do today, Borg?"
"Same thing we always do, Pinkutus:
Try to assimilate the world!"
-Pinkutus & the Borg

Ad astra
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
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Robyn
post Oct 15 2010, 08:21 PM
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Trooper's Statements

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."


--------------------
"What are we going to do today, Borg?"
"Same thing we always do, Pinkutus:
Try to assimilate the world!"
-Pinkutus & the Borg

Ad astra
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
Go to the top of the page
 
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Robyn
post May 3 2011, 10:34 PM
Post #386


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Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,
"Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning
behind a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said,
"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."
The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine
them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment. Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play
at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline adjacent to a recreational
area?"


Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it
and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's
cool!"


--------------------
"What are we going to do today, Borg?"
"Same thing we always do, Pinkutus:
Try to assimilate the world!"
-Pinkutus & the Borg

Ad astra
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
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Robyn
post Jun 7 2011, 04:56 PM
Post #387


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You Might Be in Education If……

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium saltlick.
2. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8-3:30 and have summers free.”
3. You believe chocolate is a food group.
4. You can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
5. You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”
6. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child you do not know to correct their behavior.
7. You have no life from August to June
8. Marking all “A’s” on report cards would make you life SO much simpler.
9. You think some people should be required to get a government permit before they reproduce.
10. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the “lounge.”
11. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
12. You believe no one should have children until they have taught in an elementary school for 5 years.
13. You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who wouldn’t DREAM of doing your job.
14. You can’t have children because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
15. You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form
16. Xanax should be in the vending machine
17. You know you’re in for a MAJOR project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
18. You smile weakly and want to choke the person who says “Oh you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
19. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time
20. Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”


--------------------
"What are we going to do today, Borg?"
"Same thing we always do, Pinkutus:
Try to assimilate the world!"
-Pinkutus & the Borg

Ad astra
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
Go to the top of the page
 
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Robyn
post Aug 2 2011, 07:05 PM
Post #388


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UNIVERSAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
---------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
---------------------------------------


The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of thunder, followed by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'


--------------------
"What are we going to do today, Borg?"
"Same thing we always do, Pinkutus:
Try to assimilate the world!"
-Pinkutus & the Borg

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Etheldred
post Sep 22 2011, 11:38 AM
Post #389


Uru Veteran
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Group: Retired Greeter
Posts: 309
Joined: 1-March 06
From: United Kingdom
Member No.: 3,961



Are you in Love, lust, or just married?

LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE......................when intercourse is called making love.

LUST.......................all other times.

MARRIAGE............what's intercourse?

LOVE......................when you argue over how many children to have.

LUST.......................when you argue over who gets the wet spot.

MARRIAGE............when you argue over money.

LOVE......................when you share everything you own.

LUST.......................when you think twice about giving your partner bus money or money for any reason.

MARRIAGE............when the bank owns everything.

LOVE......................when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

LUST.......................when the relationship is over if you don't climax.

MARRIAGE............what's a climax?

LOVE......................when you phone each other just to say "Good day".

LUST.......................when you phone each other just to organize sex.

MARRIAGE............when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE......................when you write poems about your partner.

LUST.......................when all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE............when all you write is checks.

LOVE......................when you show concern for your partners' feelings.

LUST.......................when you couldn't give a ######.

MARRIAGE............when your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE......................when your farewell is "I love you darling.."

LUST.......................when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"

MARRIAGE............when your farewell is silent.

LOVE......................when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST.......................when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.

MARRIAGE............when you never see each other awake.

LOVE......................when your heart flutters every time you see them.

LUST.......................when your groin or privates twitches every time you see them.

MARRIAGE............when your wallet empties everytime you see them.


LOVE......................when nobody else matters.

LUST.......................when nobody else knows.

MARRIAGE............when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE......................when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST.......................when it's just the same mushy old ######.

MARRIAGE............when you never listen to music.


LOVE......................when breaking up is something you try not to think about.

LUST.......................when staying together is something you try not to think about.

MARRIAGE............when just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE......................when you're interested in everything your partner does.

LUST.......................when you're only interested in one thing.

MARRIAGE............when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your sports score.

Remember, this is a joke. You can still be in love and with lust in marriage.


--------------------


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Robyn
post Feb 8 2014, 02:01 PM
Post #390


Uru Guru
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Group: Greeter (Greeter)
Posts: 864
Joined: 14-February 04
From: Clarkston, Michigan, USA
Member No.: 1,126





Some oldies but goodies



Puns for Educated Minds





1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.




2.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.

It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.




3.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.




4.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,

because it was a weapon of math disruption.




5.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.




6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road .. . . and was cited for littering.




7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.




8.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.




9.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.




10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.




11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.




12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'




13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.




14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'




15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.




16.

Sixteen just wasn't punny.



17.

A backward poet writes inverse.




18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.




19.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.




20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.




21.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'




22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'




23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.




24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'

The other says 'Are you sure?'

The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'




25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.




26.


There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,

with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.


No pun in ten did.







--------------------
"What are we going to do today, Borg?"
"Same thing we always do, Pinkutus:
Try to assimilate the world!"
-Pinkutus & the Borg

Ad astra
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
Go to the top of the page
 
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