What's In Your E-mail Options

[gaiasmaiden]

What's in your e-mail

this is the place to put any funny e-mails that friends and buddies have sent to you.
what better way to share a laugh... or even a chuckle?

this one is called "enflated ego"
sent by an old school friend of mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

[Darian]

From the exhaustive archives of my twisted sister in law.

Subject: Home Remedies that Really Work!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! the blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will
forget about the tooth ache..

AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life
really are:

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct
tape

[gaiasmaiden]

that is a good one Darian

[BobC]

Here's one I had received some time ago.


An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong
place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things
are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to
come up with next! God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him
back up here!"

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him." God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[gaiasmaiden]

from my dear friend that knows when i need a laugh!!



Andy Rooney's tips for telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return
envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work----I have been doing this for a few years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

[Ra'Phil]

Subject: FW: WHY PARENTS DRINK >

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

[Dragonkin]

Cute kid! "Goinna get a spankin', kid!"

[Robyn]

Subject: Up to Date Nutritional Data

Can't eat Beef ... Mad cow

Can't eat chicken ... Bird flu

Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella

Can't eat pork ... Fears that bird flu will infect piggies

Can't eat fish ... Heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat

Can't eat fruits and veggies ... Insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M

I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!


Chocolate is a Vegetable

**
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.

Bean = vegetable.

**
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.

**
Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

**
**
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

**
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Remember - - -
"STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.

Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.


(If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.)

"That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."

[gaiasmaiden]

kind of funny, kind of cute... surely we can learn from the boy with the nails
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NAIL IN THE FENCE


Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.

(Most importantly the last sentence)

There once was a little boy who had a bad

temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails

and told him that every time he lost his

temper, he must hammer a nail into the back

of the fence. The first day the boy had

driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next

few weeks, as he learned to control his

anger, the number of nails hammered daily

gradually dwindled down. He discovered

it was easier to hold his temper than to

drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't

lose his temper at all.



He told his father

about it and the father suggested that the

boy now pull out one nail for each day that

he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally

able to tell his father that all the nails

were gone. The father took his son by the

hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You

have done well, my son, but look at the

holes in the fence. The fence will never be

the same. When you say things in anger,

they leave a scar just like this one. You

can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

It won't matter how many times you say I'm

sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal

wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They

make you smile and encourage you to succeed.

They lend an ear, they share words of praise

and they always want to open their hearts to us."

[Robyn]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
-----------------------------

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big s**t he always was."
-----------------------------

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
-----------------------------

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
-----------------------------

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
-----------------------------

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
-----------------------------

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
-----------------------------

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heek, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think.

Moderator Note

edited for language

This post has been edited by coelho_buda: May 23 2005, 03:48 AM

[Shadowcats]

All funny ones thanks for the laugh
Race sends me a few mainly pics but can't post some of them

How computers have changed our lives

Click here to view a spoiler.

A spoiler is shown below. Click here to close it again.

end of spoiler

This post has been edited by Shadowcats: May 23 2005, 02:55 AM

[Robyn]

Race sends me a few mainly pics but can't post some of them     

I've been noticing that it's the women I know that always seem to send the, umm, "racier" jokes.

[DaDungeon]

1. Pod people will appreciate this -- from my Think Geek email for 23 MAy 2005.

2. This came from Cousin Kate -- a notorious joke passer on-er in my family:

> "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
>
> "Yes. What can I do for you?"
>
> "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
> He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
>
> "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
>
> The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
> They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
> Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
> They sneer at Virgil and leave.
>
> The phone rings at Virgil's house.
> "Hey, Virgil!
> This here is Floyd.
> Did the Sheriff come?"
>
> "Yeah!"
>
> "Did they chop your firewood?"
>
> "Yep!"
>
> "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
>
> (Who says rednecks aren't real bright!)


It made RoboDad laugh out loud.

This post has been edited by DaDungeon: May 24 2005, 06:11 AM

[Robyn]

What an RAF base had sitting outside their front gate...
Oh, my!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
for fifteen years.

[Shadowcats]

This was in an email today to me.