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Rex Havoc
I think I'm going to let Draginkin start this one off, I think he just needed a shove push!
gaiasmaiden
it might take time for him
hope this doesn't sit to long
Dragonkin
Narrator: No one knows what The Shadow knows.
Dragonkin: Some does.
Narrator: Who's that?
Dragonkin: The Shadow's noes knows.
Narrator: GET OUTTA 'ERE!!!!


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Louis: HEEEEEY AAAABBOOOOT! Oh, boy! Oh, boy. OH, boy. oh boy.
Abbot: Calm yourself, Lou. Calm yourself! What's making you so nervous?
Louis: I just heard some terrific news, Abbot. Hitler has a new secret weapon that will end the war in five minutes.
Abbot: A secret weapon that can end the war in five minutes? What is it?
Louis: A long pole with a white flag on the end of it.
Abbot: All right, well, tell me where you were all afternoon.
Louis: Where was I?
Abbot: Yes.
Louis: I just got my Uncle Stebbons a job. It's a fine job. He's a book maker.
Abbot: Why, you dummy. He'll wind up in jail. Book making is against the law. That's gambling!
Louis: Yeah, but he don't gamble, Abbot. He's a book maker at a bakery.
Abbot: A book maker at a bakery?
Louis: Yeah, he takes orders for cakes. He's a cookie bookie.
Abbot: Oh! I don't know which one of you is dumber, your or your uncle.
Louis: Well, I don't like to brag, Abbot, but I am. But, of course, Stebbons is lazier than me.
Abbot: Ah, no, you mean lazier than I.
Louis: Yep. He's lazier than the both of us. My Uncle Stebbons says his prayers only one night a year.
Abbot: Well, he must be lazy.
Louis: Yes. There rest of the nights he just hops in bed and says ditto.
Abbot: Let's forget your Uncle Stebbons. Now, theres something I want you to do for me, Costello.
Louis: Abbot, you know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
Abbot: And there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
Louis: And there's nothing I wouldn't do for you! That's the way it is, folks. We just go through life doing nothing for each other.
Abbot: Shut up! Talk sense, Costello! I just wanted you to be sure that you would behave yourself tonight cause the Andrews Sisters are coming over tonight and you got to be careful how you handle those girls. They have scruples.
Louis: I don't care. I've been vaccinated. I can't catch scruples!
Abbot: No, no, no, you dummy. Scruples are not catching. Scruples are principles. Scruples make a girl sweet.
Louis: They do?
Abbot: Sure.
Louis: Oo, I bought my girl some of them last night.
Abbot: You bought your girl some scruples?
Louis: Yeah. I got a banana with three scruples of ice cream.
Abbot: look. Ice cream come in scruples. Ice cream come in scoops.
Louis: I thought chickens came in scoops, chicken scoops. (That one laid an egg)
Abbot: Now look, Costello, Scruples have nothing to do with chickens.
Louis: Then how did the Andrew Sisters get 'em.
Abbot: They didn't get them. A person doesn't get scruples. Scruples are a good trait. Now, do you know what scruples are?
Louis: Yes, sir. When I sent in my Chevy for a Plymouth, they were scruples.
Abbot: Aw, what does exchanging vehicles have to do with scruples.
Louis: Everybody said it was a good trait.
Abbot: Oh, let's get off of scruples.
Louis: I don't want to forget them. Abbot, you said the Andrews Sisters had scruples.
Abbot: Right.
Louis: Did you ever see them?
Abbot: Most certainly not.
Louis: Then how do you know they got 'em.
Abbot: Look, Costello. When I say the girls have scruples, I don't mean they have anything wrong with them, Scruples are a trait, and a trait is a part of one's character. And you can't see a persons character. Yet, you know it's there.
Louis: Oh, when you say they have scruples, I don't mean they have anything wrong with them, Scruples are a trait, and a trait is a part of one's character. And you can't see a persons character. Yet, you know it's there.
Abbot: Now you got it.
Louis: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!
Abbot: Alright. That's enough. What do you you intend to do when the girls get here.
Louis: I intend to sing for them.
Abbot: You're going to sing to them. Abbot, you know nothing about songs. I bet you don't even know Dixie.
Louis: I do to.
Abbot: Alright. What is Dixie?
Louis: It's the place where they make all those paper cups.
Abbot: I can see you know nothing at all. Now look, Lou. Since you insist on singing, I'll help you. First, I'll improve your libretto. Soften your crescendo. Sharpen you staccato. And smooth your pizzicato.
Louis: Well, while your at it, why don't you check my oil and give me five dollars of gas.
Abbot: Please please, now listen. Never mind that. Now listen. Cough coof cough cuof.
Louis: Are you gonna sing are are you gonna jump.
Abbot: Now wait. (Strangled)me-mememe-me-mememe-me(/Strangled)
Louis: What are you doing?
Abbot: I'm just loosening up.
Louis: I thought you were fallen apart!
Abbot: Oh, Costello, you're just jealous. I've been told my voice is out of this world.
Louis: And I bet there are alot of people waiting for you to join it.
Abbot: Now, now. Would you like to here me sing in my sweet little Alice Bluegown.
Louis: Could I have that again.
Abbot: I said would you like to hear me in my sweet little Alice Bluegown.
Louis: I'd rather you whistle in your pink new nightie! Ha-ha!
Abbot: Costello, you are a doubting fool. Why, In my day, as a singer, when threw flowers at my feet. They threw jewelry at my feet. Why they even threw themselves at my feet.
Louis: What have your feet got that you don't got?
Abbot: Why, after that last crack I won't help ya.
Louis:Well, you won't?
Abbot: No.
Louis: Well, I don't need your help, Abbot. My Uncle Clarence of Big Springs, Texas can yodel. He'll teach me to sing, 'cause he's a good yodeler!
Abbot: Wait a minute. Did your Uncle study yodeling?
Louis: No he taught himself. He just drinks alot of beer and lets his stomach take it from there.
Abbot: Costello, that's ridiculous. What kind of voice does your uncle have.
Louis: Oh, he's a chiropractor tenor.
Abbot: Chiropractic tenor?
Louis: Yeah. He sings at all the joints.
Abbot: Oh, Costello, I'm not interested in your Uncle Clarence's singing. I mean towards the classical music.
Louis: What classical music.
Abbot: Well, for instance; Beethoven's first, Mozart's second, Bhrom's third...
Louis: Just a minute, Abbot! You ain't gonna put a fun one on me betraying to bring in a whole new team,huh!?
Abbot: Na-na-na-na...
Louis: Yes you are, brother! Mozart's second, Beethoven's first.
Abbot: All I said was Beethoven's first, Mozart's second...
Louis: You're nuts, Abbot! Everybody knows that Who's on first, What's on second, and I Don't Know Who's on third!
Abbot: GET 'EM OUTA 'ERE!



Dragonkin: You know, Rex. I've been told that my singing is like a cool cat in the sun.
Rex: A cool cat in the sun?
Dragonkin: Yeah. But they didn't use those exact words.
Rex: What did they say?
Dragonkin: They said it was like a cat on a hot tin roof.
Rex: Night everybody!
Dragonkin: Night y'all!
d'rbeh
lmao.gif


i likes it, i does! smile.gif

thumbsup.gif thumbsup.gif thumbsup.gif
Lord Chaos
"There's no Shadows like Nose Shadows like No Shadows I knows..."
Moranda
roll.gif snork, snork lmao.gif
Rex Havoc
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BUD:Hey, Costello! Costello! Costello!
BUD:Will you listen to me, please? Uh, did you go hunting with your Uncle Artie Stebbins last Saturday?
LOU:What'd you say?
BUD:I say, did you go hunting with your uncle Artie Stebbins last Saturday?
LOU:Yeah and a terrible thing happened. A great big bear sneaked up behind us, grabbed Uncle Artie's gun out of his hands and stuck it in his back.
BUD:What did Uncle Artie do?
LOU:What could he do? He married the bear's daughter.
BUD:Eh--!
BUD:Never mind that. Did you see any -- did you see any big game?
LOU:I saw a giraffe but I didn't shoot him. He had a sore throat.
BUD:Well, there's nothing worse than a giraffe with a sore throat.
LOU:Oh, yes there is.
BUD:Wh-what?
LOU:A centipede with corns.
BUD:You dummy. I didn't think you'd ever -- I didn't think you ever went hunting in your life and I don't believe you did. I bet you haven't even got a hunting license.
LOU:I have, too. Here it is.
BUD:Wait a minute, wait a minute. This is no hunting license. This is a picture of Hedy Lamarr.
LOU:You hunt what you like and I'll hunt what I like.
BUD:You a hunter! Why, that's ridiculous.
LOU:Oh, yeah? My brother-in-law used to hunt alligators.
BUD:Alligators?
LOU:Yeah. One time an alligator was just about to attack my brother-in-law. I fired off both barrels of my trusty rifle.
BUD:Did you kill the alligator?
LOU:See this wallet?
BUD:Genuine alligator?
LOU:No. Genuine brother-in-law.
BUD:Talk sense! Come here, look at this. You see this picture? Now, I caught all these rabbits last winter. Now, how many would you say there are?
LOU (quickly):Eight hundred and seventy-six.
BUD (amazed):That's exactly right. Wait a minute. How did you guess it?
LOU:Oh, I just count the legs and divide by four.
BUD:I--
BUD:Costello, haven't you ever been in Afric-- in Africa on, er, safari.
LOU:No, but I've been in New York on safari.
BUD:Eh--! A safari in New York?
LOU:Yeah, the Staten Island Sa-Ferry.
LOU:And also the Hoboken Sa-Ferry.
BUD:Aw, now, come on, that's ridiculous.
LOU:There's lots of safaris around there.
BUD:Hey, listen to me, though. You should have been with me on my elephant hunt. Oh, there I was, surrounded by elephants. One big bull elephant started towards me. I said to myself, "I'm trapped! Abbott, you're trapped! Should I run or stand here and shoot the bull?"
LOU:You been doin' all right up to now.
BUD:All right, all right.
BUD:Well, I shot him. The elephant fell and broke a tusk.
LOU:Broke a what?
BUD:A tusk, tusk.
LOU:Tusk, tusk to you, too, and a couple o' pooh-poohs!
BUD:A tusk is valuable. We use fifty thousand elephants a year just to make billiard balls.
LOU:My! How do they train those big clumsy beasts to do such delicate work?
BUD:I can see you-- I can see you know nothing about elephants.
LOU:I once hunted elephants in India -- with an old acquaintance of mine. And a elephant sat on him. Someday I gotta go back there.
BUD:Why?
LOU:To scrape up an old acquaintance.
LOU:Hey, Abbott, hey, Abbott, did you ever shoot a zebra?
BUD:Yes, I did.
LOU:Could I have that zebra skin?
BUD:Aw, what do you want with a zebra skin?
LOU:My Aunt Minnie is in Alcatraz and she needs a new fur coat.
BUD:Aw...
BUD:That's silly, Costello. However, I have a stuffed rhinoceros you can have. Course, you know what a rhinoceros is, don't you?
LOU:Oh, sure. That's a hippopotamus with a radiator cap.
BUD:Naw...
LOU:(to the audience) Now, come on out there! I know you're breathing!
BUD:All right, all right ...
BUD:Costello, this is the last week of the big game hunting season. Now, tomorrow I'm going hunting in the High Sierras and I'd like you to come along with me.
LOU:Oh, gee, thanks, Abbott. Say, you've done a lot of huntin'. What do they call those little flies that buzz around the animals?
BUD:Gnats.
LOU:I asked you a civil question.
LOU:What do they call those little flies?
BUD:Gnats. Gnats.
LOU:Gnats to you, too, brother!
BUD:No, no, no, you dummy...
BUD:Gnats are the flies that annoy the animals. Of course, some of them have ticks.
LOU:Why don't they take the ticks and give those flies a good thrashing?
BUD:I didn't say "sticks," I said "ticks"! For instance, there's deer's ticks.
LOU:The deer ticks?
BUD:Uh, certainly, deer ticks.
LOU:Who wound 'em up?
BUD:Aw, nobody wound 'em up.
LOU:Then what makes 'em tick? Somebody must've slipped a grume in his gruel.
BUD:Costello... when I say...
BUD:Listen to me, please. When I say "deer ticks" I don't mean the deer ticks. I mean, deer ticks .
LOU:Abbott, let me smell your breath.
BUD:Aw, come on, please, talk sense.
BUD:The deer has ticks and the ticks bother the deer.
LOU:They used to bother me when I went to school.
BUD:Ticks bothered you in school?
LOU:Yeah. Arithme-tics ... Mathema-tics...
LOU:And, one time, a tick got me in trouble with the teacher.
BUD:Aw, now, wait a minute, how could a tick get you in trouble with the teacher?
LOU:(child's voice) I ticked my tongue out at the teacher and she twounced the tweat of my twousers with a twap! Now...?
BUD:Costello....
BUD:Look, Lou, I-I-I'm talking about animal ticks. Hundreds of animals in the woods have ticks.
LOU:That must be a pretty sound ... when hundreds of animals get together and they all start tickin' at once.
BUD:Naw, no, listen, Costello, listen to me. Deer have ticks. Elks have ticks. And, one time, my father shot a moose with ticks. Now do you know what I'm talking about?
LOU:Sure, your father's moose ticks!
BUD:Aw, now...
BUD:Cos-- Costello, you-- you're getting more stupid every day. I don't know what to do with you. I don't know what to say to you. I've tried and I've tried to improve your mind but I just can't seem to get anywhere.
LOU:Why don't you face it, Abbott? You're a failure.

These are the most amazing things to find in these old radio programs. My how the times have changed!! (I edited all the ads above!)
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ANNOUNCER:

The pages of American history are illumined by the names of doctors who worked unceasingly to overcome disease and to make life happier and more secure for humanity. The makers of Camels are pardonably proud of the standing of this cigarette among doctors. A nationwide survey of doctors' cigarette preferences was recently made. Three leading independent research organizations asked this question of one hundred thirteen thousand five hundred and ninety-seven doctors -- doctors in every field of medicine: "What cigarette do you smoke, Doctor?" The brand named most was Camel. Yes ...

FILTERED VOICE:

... according to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.

BUD:Aw, good night, folks!
LOU:Nyaaah!
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, MUSIC IN AND OUT
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