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Guild of Greeters > General Off Topic & Community Discussion > The F'ni Farm
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Rex Havoc
Sort of reminds me of the captain Pike from the 1st Star Trek episode.
Robyn
QUOTE (Rex Havoc @ Aug 16 2005, 01:46 PM)
Sort of reminds me of the captain Pike from the 1st Star Trek episode.
*
Reading my mind I see... rolleyes.gif
gaiasmaiden
BAD JOKE

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon".

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up.
Robyn
A video comment on gas prices
jipski the great
For those who like star wars... check this out drunk.gif mobrun.gif
Trev
That Store Wars was too funny! "That's no moon, that's a melon. The Death Melon!"
roll.gif
Ja'de
Just got this from my boss.
QUOTE
Feeling better……..

Just sit back, relax, feel the tension leave your body ... picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Butterflies waft in the breeze. Leaves rustle. Nothing can bother you here. Nobody knows this secret place. You are in complete seclusion from that place called 'the world'. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now........ don't you feel better?

I think he's a little stressed lately.
Ayli
laugh.gif Do you mean you are the one who's holding his head under the water, Ja'de? shock.gif
Ja'de
Not at all Ayli, I couldn't ask for a better boss. He always backs us up when we need it and tries to downplay our oppsies with the PTB's while making sure we know what we did wrong so as not to repeat. I suspect, he was thinking of some of "those" people when he sent it.
Ayli
That is nice when you like and respect your boss, which I can't say the same about mine (I have 4 of them) shock.gif
jipski the great
QUOTE (Shadowcats @ Jun 21 2005, 05:28 AM)
Got this today in an email off a friend how scary is this?

Lightning Striking All Nippon Airlines, Osaka, Japan

This is in normal time


This is in slow motion


This is a still photo just on initiation of the bolt..*Notice* the ground and air bolt feeder strike at the same time.

*



does anyone know why I see a red cross?
kurtg1265
Probably because either the hosting site is down for whatever reason or he deleted the pics to make room for others.
Shadowcats
Ummm yeah Deleted the pics to make room but will add them back in a sec when i find them again. smile.gif
gaiasmaiden
Old Age
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep." "I
know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OLD AGE
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs.
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98,"
she
replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker
commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
----------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm
half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
Robyn
Bird Shopping:

Two Norwegians walk into a pet shop in the big city. They head to the bird
section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four
of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven. The owner puts
the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and
get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by the lake. At
the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like
a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on
his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the
way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his
best pal, Hans shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too
dangerous for me."


BUT WAIT!!! There's MORE!

Moments later Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and
walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a
shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole. Watch dis." Knut says. He takes a
parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut
continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every
bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either."


BUT WAIT!!! There's MORE!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of
which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his
head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until his hits
a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der
was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knut parrotshooting....and now Lars in
hengliding....."

HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH ?

OK, I QUIT.
budgiemom
As someone who used to help her hubby with his hobby...raising budgies......
roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif
Robyn
Subject: Raising Boys


The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:

a.) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b.) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c.) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d.) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e.) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

No, I haven't tried mixing the Clorox and brake fluid... Yet... whistling.gif
4dak
one second....

clorox, brake fluid, safty goggles, and moms aproval. (Don't ask how i got that)

3...2...1...

hmm it looks like something i did in chemisrty class...
Shadowcats
QUOTE
e.) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.


lmao.gif roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif
Cats is thinking tomorow to go buy some Clorox whistling.gif
Rex Havoc
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman
on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of
him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though
he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as
she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk
where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
William H. Maier
As a minister of the word, who backslides quite often to the sin of road rage, I have defrocked my vehicles of all the following
QUOTE
'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
. shock.gif lmao.gif roll.gif lmao.gif innocent.gif whistling.gif
L'lee
Click here to view a spoiler.


lmao.gif Our minister used this anecdote just in the last two weeks! lmao.gif
Unitearica
My wife sent me this a while back
Click here to view a spoiler.


Not to be out-done, I immediately replied to her with the following:
Click here to view a spoiler.


Moderator Note

Edited for content. We tend to lean toward the careful side due to our "E" rating... Hope you understand...

ellen6
Virus Alert!!!
______________________________________________

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from
your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway.....it never hurts to be safe.

THANK GOODNESS I GOT THIS IN TIME!

___________________________________________________
Virus Alert!!!
Robyn
Considering the way things are going with the legal system now, you need a disclaimer for just about everything... Even taking a walk...
Nelson Rocks Preserve Disclaimer
jipski the great
Here is an new Star Wars movie. "The Revenge Of The Brick" (it is lego Star Wars clapping.gif )
Ja'de
With the approaching "Haunted" days coming, check out This site
gaiasmaiden
Your birth date describes who we are, what we are good at and what our
inborn abilities are. It also points to what we have to learn and the
challenges we are facing. To figure out your Birth Number, add all the
numbers in the Birth Date together, like in the example, until there is
only one digit.

A Birth Number does not prevent you from being anything you want to be,
it will just color your choice differently and give you a little insight.

Example March 20, 1950
3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973
1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20
2 + 0 = 2

Keep going until you end up with a single digit number. #2 is the
Birth Number to read for the birth date in the example.


#1 THE ORIGINATOR
#2 THE PEACEMAKER
#3 THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
#4 THE CONSERVATIVE
#5 THE NONCONFORMIST
#6 THE ROMANTIC
#7 THE INTELLECTUAL
#8 THE BIG SHOT
#9 THE PERFORMER


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
# 1 - THE ORIGINATOR 1 's are originals.
Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things
their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and
arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy
skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses,
as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely
helpful for them. Lesson to learn: Others' ideas might be just as good
or better and to stay open minded.

Famous 1's: Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Carol Burnett,
Wynona Judd, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch.

#2 - THE PEACEMAKER 2's are the born diplomats.
They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others
before themselves. Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't
like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can
lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd
rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship. Being naturally shy
they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely
and seize the moment and not put things off.

Famous 2's President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg,
Thomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

# 3 - THE LIFE OF THE PARTY 3's are idealists.
They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easygoing. They
start many things, but don't always see them through. They like others
to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are very
popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more
realistic point of view.

Famous 3's: Alan Alda, Ann Landers, Bill Cosby, Melanie Griffith,
Salvador Dali, Jodi Foster.

# 4 - THE CONSERVATIVE 4's are sensible and traditional.
They like order and routine. They only act when they fully understand what
they are expected to do. They like getting their hands dirty and working
hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature.
They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. They should
learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves.

Famous 4's Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher, Arnold Schwarzenegger,
Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey.

# 5 - THE NONCONFORMIST 5's are the explorers.
Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them
in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a
rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning
possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well
advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all
the facts before jumping to conclusions.

Famous 5's Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte, Jessica Walter,
Vincent Van Gogh, Bette Midler, Helen Keller and Mark Hail.

# 6 - THE ROMANTIC 6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy.
A strong family connection is important to them. Their actions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate between
what they can change and what they cannot.

Famous 6's: Albert Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Meryl Streep,
Christopher Columbus, Goldie Hawn.

#7 - THE INTELLECTUAL 7's are the searchers.
Always probing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept
things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions.
Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves.
They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and steady wins
the race. They come across as philosophers and being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what is not in the world at large.

Famous 7's: William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson,
Joan Baez, Princess Diana.

# 8 - THE BIG SHOT 8's are the problem solvers.
They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are
decisive. They have grand plans and like to live the good life. They
take charge of people. They view people objectively. They let you know
in no uncertain terms that they are the boss. They should learn to
exude their decisions on their own needs rather than on what
others want.

Famous 8's Edgar Cayce, Barbra Streisand, George Harrison, Jane Fonda,
Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, and Nostrodamus.

#9 - THE PERFORMER 9's are natural entertainers.
They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to
help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody
is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that
people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like
chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck,
but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful,
they need to build
a loving foundation.

Famous 9's Albert Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine,
Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley.
Shadowcats
Computer Blessing

Blessings on this fine machine,
May its data all be clean.
Let the files stay where they're put,
Away from disk drives keep all soot.
From its screen shall come no whines,
Let in no spikes on power lines.
As oaks were sacred to the Druids,
Let not the keyboard suffer fluids.
Disk full shall be no more than rarity,
The memory shall not miss its parity.
From the modem shall come wonders,
Without line noise making blunders.
May it never catch a virus,
And all its software stay desirous.
Oh let the printer never jam,
And turn my output into spam.
I ask of Eris, noble queen,
Keep Murphy far from this machine.
budgiemom
lmao.gif Love the poem;
Love the thought,
My computer ain't what it ought.
Popups galore,
Spam and more,
Still and all, I l'st
It lets me enjoy my Myst.


laugh.gif
Robyn
Oooo! Looks like a nice piece to make an embroidered sampler around. With a proper tech-look font of course. wink3.gif Every computer room needs one, right along with a copy of Murphy's laws, and a panel saying,"Saint Vidicon of Cathode, pray for us." rolleyes.gif
coelho_buda
roll.gif @ all three of you!

Robyn, so THAT's the patron saint of CPUs!
Robyn
QUOTE (coelho_buda @ Oct 16 2005, 04:52 AM)
Robyn, so THAT's the patron saint of CPUs!
And other things technological...

St. Vidicon is a (minor) character from Christopher Stasheff's warlock series, with a recent book, "Saint Vidicon to the Rescue" devoted to him. rolleyes.gif
QUOTE
Father Vidicon is an engineer priest, who is normally called in to fix the technological equipment in the Vatican. He dies of electrocution while trying to maintain the broadcast equpment during an important broadcast to the world by the Pope. He is subsequently declared a saint and a martyr, the one that people call on for help when technical equipment goes wrong.

Check out this review.

And always remember; Murphy was an optimist! whistling.gif
Shadowcats
Actualy Saint Isidore of Seville is the patron saint of computers, computer users, computer programmers, Internet.


Isidore of Seville
gaiasmaiden
The nagging wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, nag, nag.
It just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet -- caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement.
But when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with all the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
" They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
jipski the great
QUOTE (Shadowcats @ Oct 16 2005, 03:02 PM)
Actualy Saint Isidore of Seville is the patron saint of computers, computer users, computer programmers, Internet.


Isidore of Seville
*




LOL!!! clapping.gif roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif
Shadowcats
I put this here on a dare so you can all blame Race. whistling.gif

Happy Halloween. shock.gif
Click here to view a spoiler.
kurtg1265
LOL Cats.

who posed for the pic? bleh.gif
Robyn
Just a little late, but... Hangman The comments.... wink3.gif
Robyn
Baking Cookies With Your Cat

1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Get cat off of cookbook.
4. Find that special recipe.
5. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
10. Answer the phone.
11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14. Throw flour out and get more.
15. Preheat oven for cookies.
16. Looking at cat & wanting to bake cat now. Cat runs for cover into bathroom.
17. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
18. Big crash in bathroom; run to see what happened.
19. Cat has TP all over floor; stuff spilled and knocked over on top of bathroom counter.
20. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
21. Can sense cat is angry.
22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
24. Cleanup bathroom.
25. Hear a thump in kitchen ... Oh Golly ... now what?
26. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27. Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies.
coelho_buda
lmao.gif roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif
budgiemom
clapping.gif clapping.gif roll.gif been there, and really really done that!!
Robyn
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.? For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.? What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers.? What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

???????? (A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
Robyn
Hunting Elephants

* MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant and catching one of whatever is left

* EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to Step 1 as a subordinate exercise

* PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique
elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an
exercise for their graduate students

* COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A;
1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work Northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East & West
4. During each pass;
a. Catch each animal seen
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c. Stop when a match is detected

* EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the Algorithm will terminate

* ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees

* ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random
and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15% of any
previously observed elephant

* ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephant, but they believe that if elephants are paid
enough, they will hunt themselves

* STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant

* CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephant and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do

* OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet colour to the efficiency of hunting elephant strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephant

* POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch
with the people who voted them in

* LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
about who owns the droppings

* SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping

* VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staff are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephant, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will;
1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight
2. enlarge itself to prevent any such recurrence

* SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices

* QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the Jeep

* SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants, but spend their time selling elephants they
haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens

* SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice
for an elephant

* HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as desktop elephants
budgiemom
roll.gif shock.gif roll.gif
Robyn
And on the subject of elephants, this is what I got back after I forwarded the last piece to my Sister-in-Law...
--------------------------------------------
Subject: Fwd: That's - just - wrong!!! shock.gif

Oh, oh, oh. My friend Mary Ellen found something awful--so, of course, we have to share it! Even Dr. Suess isn't safe....
Horrton Hears a Heart

(I swear she belongs to some unholy alliance of slackers dedicated to seducing us into wasting all our time viewing stuff that merely looks incredibly ingenious. I bet it actually causes birth defects or programs your cell phone to call 900 numbers or something. It ain't natural.... :-)
Enjoy,
~Roberta
BobC
This touching story of Christmas charity was just sent to me.

A Letter To God
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed
in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it
was about. The letter read:


Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please
help me?

Sincerely,
Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a
warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with
her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old
lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way,
there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving slimeballs at
the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif
Dragonkin
Boy, you try to help someone... laugh.gif

That sounds kind of like a situation at work.
There is a guy named Bobby Roach that used to work where we do, on the graveyard shift. Early this year, he had a heart attack (or something of that magnitude. I can't quite remember) and has not been able to work ever since. He Is still fighting to get any money for not being able to work, neither SS or Insurance wants to own up.
Well, last week, one of the guys that used to work with him, Randy Brothers, decided to pool some money from the plant to give to him "'Cause [he knows] how it feels to be out of work and hurt for money." The pot was passed throughout the plant all last week, but very few people decided to give any money. Most of the people that work in our department said they didn't know him, so why should they (oddly enough, they are the same people that pass around a pot if someone is out a week cause they were sick). And two of the people that Bobby had helped out in the past, alot, didn't either. In the end very few gave any, but I was glad to know that we that had had made a difference. The pool totaled at around $198 (If I heard right). If we thought more about those that are not able to work any longer, due to reasons beyond there reach, then what a wonderful world this could be.

[Steps off box]
gaiasmaiden
Anniversary

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.
Ayli
Gaia missed something on this forum shock.gif hug.gif

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