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What's in your e-mail

this is the place to put any funny e-mails that friends and buddies have sent to you.
what better way to share a laugh... or even a chuckle?

this one is called "enflated ego"
sent by an old school friend of mine.
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
From the exhaustive archives of my twisted sister in law.

Subject: Home Remedies that Really Work!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! the blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will
forget about the tooth ache..

AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life
really are:

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct
tape roll.gif
that is a good one Darian
Here's one I had received some time ago.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong
place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things
are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to
come up with next! God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him
back up here!"

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him." God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" lmao.gif lmao.gif
from my dear friend that knows when i need a laugh!!

Andy Rooney's tips for telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work----I have been doing this for a few years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.


"Is your daddy home?" he asked

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"


"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

lmao.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif lmao.gif

Cute kid! "Goinna get a spankin', kid!"
Subject: Up to Date Nutritional Data

Can't eat Beef ... Mad cow

Can't eat chicken ... Bird flu

Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella

Can't eat pork ... Fears that bird flu will infect piggies

Can't eat fish ... Heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat

Can't eat fruits and veggies ... Insecticides and herbicides


I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.

Bean = vegetable.

Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.

Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Remember - - -
"STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.

Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

(If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.)

"That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."
kind of funny, kind of cute... surely we can learn from the boy with the nails

Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.

(Most importantly the last sentence)

There once was a little boy who had a bad

temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails

and told him that every time he lost his

temper, he must hammer a nail into the back

of the fence. The first day the boy had

driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next

few weeks, as he learned to control his

anger, the number of nails hammered daily

gradually dwindled down. He discovered

it was easier to hold his temper than to

drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't

lose his temper at all.

He told his father

about it and the father suggested that the

boy now pull out one nail for each day that

he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally

able to tell his father that all the nails

were gone. The father took his son by the

hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You

have done well, my son, but look at the

holes in the fence. The fence will never be

the same. When you say things in anger,

they leave a scar just like this one. You

can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

It won't matter how many times you say I'm

sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal

wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They

make you smile and encourage you to succeed.

They lend an ear, they share words of praise

and they always want to open their hearts to us."
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big s**t he always was."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heek, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think.

Moderator Note

edited for language

All funny ones thanks for the laugh
Race sends me a few mainly pics but can't post some of them shock.gif lmao.gif laugh.gif

How computers have changed our lives

Click here to view a spoiler.
QUOTE (Shadowcats @ May 23 2005, 03:49 AM)
Race sends me a few mainly pics but can't post some of them  shock.gif  lmao.gif  laugh.gif

I've been noticing that it's the women I know that always seem to send the, umm, "racier" jokes. mobrun.gif
1. Pod people will appreciate this -- from my Think Geek email for 23 MAy 2005.

2. This came from Cousin Kate -- a notorious joke passer on-er in my family:

> "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
> "Yes. What can I do for you?"
> "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
> He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
> "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
> The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
> They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
> Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
> They sneer at Virgil and leave.
> The phone rings at Virgil's house.
> "Hey, Virgil!
> This here is Floyd.
> Did the Sheriff come?"
> "Yeah!"
> "Did they chop your firewood?"
> "Yep!"
> "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
> (Who says rednecks aren't real bright!)

It made RoboDad laugh out loud.
What an RAF base had sitting outside their front gate...
Oh, my!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
for fifteen years.
This was in an email today to me. clapping.gif

smile.gif Oh, How beautiful, SC!!!!!

I read the above post about the "gate guard"....gotta tell hubby!
liked the flower

as for the gate gaurd....brings memories..
let's just say that near where i live now and close to where i played as a child,
we had an ordnance team out looking for untriggered shells from when the area was an army base.
some casings had been found in the area i use to play in when they started to build homes.
"If you don't stop throwing rocks, I'm going to tell mommy on you!"
"I ain't throwin' them at nothing."
"But, mom said..."
"Mom ain't here right now is she. Besides, what's the worst that could hap.. <BOOOM>."
"MOMMY! Timmy blew up another rock!"

I just loved this one, I am going to do it right now.

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to
delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button
7. Feel better?

Works for me!
Enjoy a smile today!
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,
"WOO-HOO, what a ride!"
On the same thread of thought, a word from a friend on such a matter...
I want to pass away quietly like my father, not screaming like his passangers.
Rex Havoc
Oh!! You must have known my Grandfather!! lmao.gif
Kids are quick ..

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.
here is one with tips for those of you that enjoy the great outdoors

It's about that time folks so thought I'd send out this reminder!!!!

OK, mosquitos... prepare to be repelled!!!!!

Use Bounce Fabric Softener Sheets...Best thing ever used in
Louisiana..just wipe on & go...Great for Babies

Bob, a fisherman, takes one vitamin B-1 tablet a day April through October . He said it works. He was right.
Hasn't had a mosquito bite in 33 years. Try it. Every one he has talked
into trying it works on them. Vitimin B-1( Thiamine Hydrochloride 100 mg.)

If you eat bananas, the mosquitos like you, - something about the banana oil as your body processes it.
Stop eating bananas for the summer and the mosquitos will be much less interested.

This is going to floor you, but one of the best insect repellents someone
found (who is in the woods every day), is Vick's Vaporub.

Plant marigolds around the yard, the flowers give off a smell that bugs do not like, so plant some in that garden also to help ward off bugs without using insecticides.

"Tough guy" Marines who spend a great deal of time "camping out" say that the very best mosquito repellant you can use is Avon Skin-So-Soft bath oil mixed about half and half with alcohol.

One of the best natural insect repellants that I've discovered is made
from the clear real vanilla. This is the pure Vanilla that is sold in
It works great for mosquitoes and ticks, don't know about other insects.

When all else fails--get a frog
Warning! Not politically correct. whistling.gif

Mexican Earthquake:

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
lmao.gif roll.gif roll.gif lmao.gif

Funny. Very funny.
A man received this letter from his Mom. She is 91 and still drives
her own car.

Dear Son,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
"honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the
sticker and put it on my bumper.

What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red
light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and
how good he is, and I didn't notice the light had changed. It is a good
thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never
have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like
crazy and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love
of God, Go, Go, Go, Jesus Christ go!

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started
honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at
all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in
the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I
heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"

I saw another guy waving in a funny way-with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. I asked my grandson in the back seat what that
meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious
experience! A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended.

That's when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved at all my
brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through before the light changed
again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love
we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, and
gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!!

Will write again soon, Love, Mom
Oooo! Nice kitty!
BIG Kitty!
This one's for real!

"Mom, can I keep it? It carried me home."
this little gem is brought to you due to my nice strange friend that sends me some good ones
So here you go: For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a refresher course...............

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women what does this tell you?)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer, so did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow up stairs... but not down stairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second ? William Jefferson Clinton

And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Got this today in an email off a friend how scary is this?

Lightning Striking All Nippon Airlines, Osaka, Japan

This is in normal time

This is in slow motion

This is a still photo just on initiation of the bolt..*Notice* the ground and air bolt feeder strike at the same time.
shock.gif Were the people ok? Did the plane crash? Truly remarkable film, SC!!
what did happen to the plane and passengers?!
It did not effect the passengers or plane in any way the bolt stayed on the outside of the plane and passed across the metal skin.
They all landed and lived happily ever after and the plane is still flying.
Wow, that is some scary pictures, Cats. But why did it say "Recycle" in Japanese? shock.gif
Just a guess, Ayli, but couldn't it just be notating that it is a film "loop" that recycles automatically? Let's hope so!
Shrug I don't read Japanese
I only got it in an email as per the title of this thread so I think at a guess with L'lee it's just for the loop of the gif.

My memory of the incident was that there was some minor damage to composites in the tail structure, but not much other than that.
That's the nice thing about the 747 being so much more pure metal than some of the other airplanes, it has a tendency to shed the electrical discharge better than aircraft with composite tailcones.
The NOAA used a Mirage III for that exact reason when doing their lightning strike testing. Because it was all metal, there was very little damage whenever the aircraft took a hit.
Here what I got in my e-mail, forwarded by my hubby shock.gif

Click here to view a spoiler.

QUOTE (L'lee @ Jun 21 2005, 09:35 PM)
Just a guess, Ayli, but couldn't it just be notating that it is a film "loop" that recycles automatically?  Let's hope so!

I have a lady at work, who understands Japanese and she said it doesn't mean a loop shock.gif
Tarl Raven
Off-topic, but an addition to Ayli's list of emailed tools.

If someone in work uses a permanent marker in a presentation, write over it with a standard dry-wipe marker, and wipe off. Clears it without a trace.

Cure for headaches:
Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Ohhhh I will have to try this thanks Ayli.
Lotta Lagg
Ohhhh I will have to try this thanks Ayli.

Also try putting an icecube on both your temples with you head hanging down.

When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
Along the same lines, I've found the best way to remove fiberglass "splinters" if you get into the stuff. You know, the ones you can't even see because they're so small... Smear the effected area with a thin layer of white glue (Like "Elmer's.") and let it dry. Then peel the glue off. It doesn't matter if you have body hair in the area either, as the glue doesn't stick to the hairs and they pull right through, so it's NOT like waxing you legs (Or other body parts.) whistling.gif
QUOTE (Robyn @ Jun 25 2005, 03:28 PM)
[...] as the glue doesn't stick to the hairs and they pull right through, so it's NOT like waxing you legs (Or other body parts.) whistling.gif

shock.gif roll.gif roll.gif roll.gif
Other body parts?
Dragon, this is where we exercise our 'don't ask, don't tell' policy: you don't ask and we don't tell. It's better that way.

Subject: FW: Just cuz you're blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to
the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "Do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep
them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their
seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of
a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over
to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave
you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so
now we're going to Sea World!"
Gaia sent me this one.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."
Salary Theorem

Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.

The less you know, the more you make. blink.gif cry.gif
Some Senior Humor . . .

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied,

"No peer pressure."


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"


I've sure gotten old.
I've had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees.
Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!


Three old guys are golfing. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, finally went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."


Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
"We have the technology. We can rebuild him!"

I don't know if this is for real or not, nor am I sure whether to roll.gif , cry.gif or clapping.gif .

Elvis, the ROBOCAT.
shock.gif I kinda know who that guy and his wife are!!! He used to make robots for that game show---Battlebots. His bot was Biohazard and he won the championship several times.

Either the cat is hitting buttons inside or he is using the remote control unit!!!
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